One day in 'Nam, I was fighting dem vietcong in the jungle when all of a sudden they sprayed agent orange all over my part of the platoon. many men were instantaneously killed by dem chemicals, but I survived. With my right hand I wrested the machine gun from my good friend Bubba Jones and I took a beltful of grenades from my dismembered commander Dan, and I plunged into the jungle looking for vietcong to kill. i figured i had just inhaled a lethal dose of chemicals and i had not long to live, so what better way to live than to kill commies?
needless to say, i killed maybe a hunnered of dem bastards and got given a medal by the army for heroic services to america. I love america, and it didn't bother me that i came out of 'nam with permanently oranged skin. So got a desk job at the airport, checking visitors for drugs and hooch. I met this one really purty drug smuggler, she cried when i caught her and told me she'd do anything I wanted if I let her go, and then she took off all her clothes and proceeded to give me a blow job. But I pushed her away and sent her to the slammer, because nothing was gonna come into america and infect our american youths on MY WATCH!
But the pull of 'Nam was always too strong. So one day i flew back to Saigon, and boy had it changed. I set up an american burger joint in the middle of pham ngu lao and sold burgers to all the rich backpacker kids who wanted to slum it in asia on their gap year or off their parents money. they were always eager to hear a story from a real vet, and they thought my orange skin was intriguing.
There was this one girl, Anna, she was supposed to spend three months around asia, but she ended up three months in my bed. we fucked every night and every day, and when she left she had a little orange baby growing inside her. her parents were furious when they realised, and flew over to 'nam to fight me. But I was tough, and hit them both hard in the nuts. So they respected me, and gave me money to marry their daughter. Turns out they were heirs to one of the biggest fortunes in American history.
Years down the track, after id fucked anna a lot more and produced many more orange babies, i decided to run for government. I needed a compelling reason to do so, but I figured i have orange skin and a compelling backstory.
Guys, would you vote for me if I told you this story on national TV?
