"I'm messed up..." yet again. Sorry about a third thread. The initial post appeared in a second thread, but then I tried to paste the rest in reply and again nothing. So I will try here yet again with an initial post.
Trying again, nothing is showing up (why I write in Notepad!)
Hi again and thanks Brian, W and R! I feel one of those hangovers where you spill your guts and then you wake up thinking fuck I didn't say what I mean at all, so it might take some time (or more wine LOL) to hit my stride again to keep going tonight. OK well school had started again so it wasn't like during the summer I couldn't see them that much, usually weekends and sometimes once a week we'd meet close to where my school was in the parking lot of a cool mall that was in a converted old theater. If his wife wasn't home now and then we'd go to "John's" house but Saturdays she was usually there or going someplace where he didn't know for sure when she's be back and so a lot of the time we just went out. He was nervous about that I guess but I guess I seemed like his daughter even though Karen didn't look anything like me. He didn't seem like a monster anymore and she was really pretty to me again but I couldn't get that vision out of my mind ever either, plus he was different and that's one thing where I'm not sure my memory's not playing tricks on me, I mean -- maybe I was more different than they were because of what I saw that day? But I don't remember him being so... commanding I guess, before then. I mean I felt like I had to do what he said even if I didn't want to and the stuff he gave me it was like all of a sudden more like I was getting it becaise I let him do something, I mean like go to the rest room and take your panties off and I have something for you kind of but it's not like he came right out to say that it's how I felt though and that made me feel really bad. And the pace picked up, too, like if I didn't answer his questions it was OK we're going now. He asked me lots and lots of questions and told me all sorts of stuff and some of it I didn't believe but then after I would like half-believe it or that one part of me would like I wasn't sure about anything anymore and I mean I guess that's not that weird because of being that age anyway it's supposed to be confusing then? It's like he was telling me who I was and I wasn't anybody then.
He asked me about cutting and he even got me to tell him about playing with my butt and the worst part was telling him about Mr Thermometer because he'd like made me promise so hard never to tell and that was like deep in me I mean I could keep secrets and I took promises seriously but in other words John made me tell him everything usually at really nice restairants like where there was more privacy like sitting there and analyzing me and maybe that's why I do it to myself so much. You know by then my dirtiest secret wasnt the sex stuff it was puking and cutting and laxatives. I was losing weight but I was getting taller too I wasn't awkward but gangly and some people could tell there was something wrong with me and I remember even some guys who stared at me like they wanted to do things to me like they were disgusted too I mean theyd look at how skinny my arms were and give me a look like I was sick like pity and lust and revulsion all at the same time and teachers at school asked me about my weight and I would clam up totally and other kids started picking on me and I'd go home and look at fashion magazines and think how stupid they were because I would be in there and they were fat. But I tried to pretend like that nobody knew how I got so skinny. Part of me wanted to grow up faster thats normal too I guess LOL and so I was upset because nothing was happening, I mean I still didnt have any hair and my hips didnt get wider and I didnt bleed. When we did go to their house I felt trapped and things went way too fast I cried sometimes and he would hush me and I still remember him telling me to kiss it and the taste and you know even then there was still a part of me that liked it, I mean I felt like I should suck dick or that's what he told me to feel and it's like that part of me got bigger, like I said it was the Cindy part later he called me Cynthia though because I liked it better and it's not like everything was terrible he like helped me believe in myself too I mean he told me I really would be a model that I was prettier than the girls in the magazines and graceful and here's something I wanted to say before sometimes I thought like I wanted to be in Vogue I mean like not be anywhere else just be likeglossy and paper thin LOL, like I'd even sleep like that like in a picture. Like I said, hard to explain!
He also told me I wasn't stupid and he gave me stuff to read, great stuff like Story of O and I started to feel superior LOL. Part of me did anyway, remember I was still a kid and this was just twice a week at most the rest of the time my stepdad and Mom and school and OK the next thing is I was spaced out probably thinking about sucking and this teacher started yelling at me and I got wet. Like I was really far away and whatever I was thinking was probably sexy but I got wet 'cause he yelled at me. Like I said I didn't get too wet yet then but still I felt really funny about it and it happened again and one time my stepfather yelled at me and it happened too not as strong but it was like I liked it or my pussy liked it anyway.
I guess I sound like I was gloomy, but that would give the wrong impression, too; I DIDN'T belong to him, I mean I still loved getting stared at and even though I mostly thought about the things he made me do mostly sucking mostly on my knees looking up at him I had to and then during Xmas break he made me suck his finger after it was in my butt -- I didn't just think about that I thought about other guys too, not guys my age I NEVER thought about them but other older guys, guys who checked me out. It was winter and I didnt dress in revealing things because it was fucking cold LOL but tight jeans mostly and I copied the makeup in the magazines so I thought I was elegant but I guess I looked like a kid who was trying to be an adult. Like I said a lot of people looked at me not like they wanted me but like they thought I was sick and sometimes both and that winter I didnt have any friends at all. I still thought about girls sometimes too, not a lot. He made me touch Karen and she touched me but even though she was pretty I wasn't into her that much, I mean I didn't think about her when I played with myself and after the curiosity was over I mean like the first times just it was exciting to see her body then I didn''t want to do stuff with her I did only because he said to. But I still fantasized about girls in the fashion magazines and sometimes girls I'd see like at the pool. So I wasn't always gloomy I wasn't having FUN but even now I don't think sex (and I mean all of it, from fantasies to exhanging looks not just fucking and sucking) should be FUN. I think it's serious, I take it seriously, like you know in French an orgasm is called a little death and death is not FUN (OK maybe if you're Irish LOL).
