Easier said than done. Ive tried so hard to stop looking, but I always go back.
It makes me so excited. I get a rush of adrenaline through my body. It's almost like a drug I can't resist. My clit begins throbbing and I can't stop touching myself. The orgasm I get is enough reward to keep me viewing the images. I'm so turned on by these images that I wonder if anything else could ever turn me on so much. I can't recall anything ever making me feel like I've lost control like this before.
I have lost interest in my husband. When I see a black man in public, I subconsciously stare at his crotch area and wonder what his penis is like. There is one black man I see at the gym who has began flirting with me. I wonder if I accidentally sent him signals to come talk to me. Sometimes I see him staring at my body and I get wet thinking what intercourse with him would be like. 99% of me says it's wrong and I shouldnt be thinking these thoughts, but the other 1% takes over and I give in to the desire. If he were to pursue me I don't know if I could say no.
One day I saw an interracial couple playing volleyball at the beach. It was a petite blond with a muscular black man. It immediately reminded me of the pornographic videos I've seen online. I thought about them having sex and actually felt a burning jealousy. At that moment there was nothing I wanted more than to experience it myself. I thought to myself "lucky girl" and then wanted to smack myself in the head for thinking such a thing.
What's even more disturbing is how racist and degrading many of the films are towards white people. It makes me feel ashamed and guilty afterward. How can I get rid of this craving?!??!
