I'm looking for a girl who would like to do the following: Film yourself while reading out loud one of my erotic execution stories and masturbate to it while doing so. If you want to stay anonymous cover your face or keep your face outside the camera's scope.

Here's the story:

Imagine you got captured and they brought you to the infamous “death camp”. A military camp where girls are being raped, tortured and executed for the entertainment of the troops. The regular girls serve as personal snuff escorts. The better looking girls have to take part in absolutely perverted sex, torture and snuff live shows on stage in front of a large audience. Needless to say you belong to the second group. So only 3 days after your arrival at the camp the guards enter your cell and take you to the backstage area of the main stage. The guards hand you some sexy black stockings and order you to strip and only wear those stockings. To your surprise they also hand you a sex toy: a chain of 3 vibrating sex balls (so called Be-Wa balls). After you put on the stockings they bring you to the stage without any further explanation.

Your heart is pounding like crazy when you see the several hundred well built soldiers in the audience. Each of them staring at you, as you enter the stage almost completely naked. You hear them applauding and cheering. They seem to really look forward to this show.

The setup on the stage is pretty simple. There’s a wall in the back and the rest of the stage is empty. There are already two other beautiful girls in stockings waiting near the wall. They also hold their sex toys in their hands and it seems they don’t know what’s going on any more than you do. But there’s something else that catches your eye: At the edge of the stage about 30 feet from the wall there are 20 pretty and naked girls chained to the stage floor with spread legs. Most of them seem to be terrified. Some of them are crying. The guards lead you to the wall next to the other two girls. They order you to stand with your back to the wall and to spread your legs. You comply and two guards put cuffs around your ankles so you can’t put your legs together any more and you certainly cannot run away.

The show host enters the stage and explains the rules of this sadistic game to the audience: “As you can see we have three lovely ladies tonight. Unfortunately for them two of them won’t see the end of the evening. Only one of them will survive. Once the game starts, the ladies will place their little naughty sex toys in their pussies. Those vibrating sex balls are remote controlled. We can adjust the vibration level and therefore the amount of stimulation. The rules are simple: The girl who avoids an orgasm the longest wins the game. The two other girls who cannot control themselves will get shot to death right here, right now. We have dozens of volunteers for the firing squad. But to make it more interesting in order to fire a shot they will have to fuck one of those 20 ladies. Each member of the squad may only shoot within 10 seconds after shooting his load into the girl in front of him. So, ladies please mount you sex toys and get ready for the game of your life!”

It takes you a moment before the information sinks in… You have a hard time believing what you just heard. The thought of getting shot in front of all those people terrifies you. But you can also feel that well known tingling sensation between your legs. You hesitate to spread your cunt lips apart to insert those sex balls into your pussy, especially after you see that camera taking a close up of your exposed pussy for all the audience to see on the large video walls. Your hands are shaking but somehow you manage to push the large balls inside your surprisingly wet pussy. You hear the voice of the host: “Let the games begin!”

The balls start vibrating… you have never used this kind of sex toy before so you are surprised. The vibration feels just great… Apparently each of the balls can be adjusted individually by whoever controls them. The different vibration patterns start to drive you crazy. It’s like you’re getting fucked remotely by someone you cannot even see. You close your eyes and enjoy that feeling for a couple of seconds. As you open your eyes again you realise that about 700 good looking soldiers a starring at a closeup of your fully aroused and dripping wet pussy. Being watched like this arouses you even more. A vicious cycle starts to kick in. The more you try to relax and not get too excited the hornier you get. You feel the urge to help yourself to an even better experience by rubbing your clit, but then you remember the only rule of the game: YOU MUST NOT CUM!

Apparently the other two girls are having similar experiences. The pretty blond girl to your left starts panting and you can hear suppressed moaning sounds.

As if the whole scenario was not arousing enough you see 20 muscle packed soldiers entering the stage. One after the other opens his trousers and takes out his already hard cock. They kneel down between the spread legs of the 20 girls and start playing with their bodies. Some of the guys seem to get impatient as they already push their cocks in their girl’s pussies. Some prefer their girl’s mouth and some just start jerking it.

You take a good look at the show in front of you… most of the girls seem to be terrified, but some of them seem to enjoy their treatment. As you take a closer look you realise the gun lying next to each girl on the floor. The thought that several of those guns might be pointed at you in a couple of minutes almost gets you over the edge. You feel an orgasm building up and you try everything to fight it…. But the more you fight the more intense it gets.

As you reached the point where you almost didn’t care any more about the consequences and just accept the fact that you would cum right now you hear the blond girl next to you releasing a muffled scream… The expression on her face says it all: She apparently just had a very intense and undeniable orgasm.

After a couple of seconds the blond girl opens her eyes and the bliss of her orgasm abruptly turns into the horror of realising that she just lost the game and therefore will lose her life.

You feel kind of pity for her but at the same time you’re happy she came just seconds before you would have reached a climax. The distraction helped you to calm down a little bit and your building orgasm subsides slowly.

As you look at the 20 squad members you notice that they already got into full action, pounding their big and hard cocks mercilessly in the pretty girls’ bodies. It’s the wildest orgy you ever saw in your life. The panting and moaning gets louder and more intense every second. Only moments later the camera shows how the first soldier pulls his cock from his 18 year old blond girl and shoots his cum all over her belly. The guys enjoys his orgasm only for a second then he grabs the gun, takes aim and “bang” the first bullet of the evening slams into the blond girl just standing two meters to your left. The girls screams as it hits her right thigh.

To everyone’s surprise he then points the gun at the girl he was just fucking and shoots her directly in her cunt. The girl screams in pain and shock. Now you realise why those 20 girls have been so terrified. Apparently the soldiers are supposed to shoot their fuck toys to indicate on which body part they were aiming when shooting at the show girl.

The soldier gets up and hands the gun to next shooter in line. The next guy kneels down with his hard dick and shoves it right into the poor blond’s destroyed pussy.

The camera switches to the next guy who just sprayed his load into a pretty brunette 20 year old. He grabs the gun, takes aim and the bullet hits the girl next to you in her right chest. Apparently that was exactly where he wanted to hit her, because only seconds later he also shoots a bullet into his fuck toys right chest as well.

Then everything happens really fast. Almost at the same time 3 more guys orgasm and fire their guns at the poor blond girl next to you. She gets hit in her kneecaps, in the waist and the third bullet actually hits directly above her fuck hole. As the camera zooms in you can see that the bullet went straight into her clit and ripped the upper part of her pussy wide open.

As you watch how the shooter points his gun directly at the 19 year old’s clitoris in front of him you feel that uncontrollable urge again to give in and rub your own clit to an fantastic orgasm. The pleading and begging of the terrified girl almost gets you over the edge, and as the shooter actually pulls the trigger and the poor girl’s clit explodes in a fountain of blood you simply give up… you’re way past the point of no return. You can feel an enormous orgasm building up between your legs, the vibration of the sex toy drives you crazy and then you can’t hold it any longer. Your orgasms feels like an explosion and it seems to last forever. You enjoy every second of it, because you know it might be your last.

When you hear the host announcing that you just lost the game a second orgasm wave hits you. Now that you have nothing more to loose you will just enjoy the rest of the show.

You open your eyes and now that the next bullet might be for you, you start to look at this show a little differently. Instead of just being excited, a feeling of sheer panic and horror adds up to your mix of emotions. You watch in horror as two guys almost simultaneously shoot their sperm on two further young fuck toys. Both of them grab their guns and this time you can see the nozzles being pointed directly at you. Within 3 seconds both soldiers pull the trigger. First you feel like something bit you on your left arm… only that the “bite” gets more and more painful in fractions of second. Then you feel a gush of air just an inch below your pussy. When you see how the soldier points his gun at the pussy of his fuck toy you realise that he was actually aiming for your love canal. This time you literally dodged the bullet but it’s only a matter of time until you will get seriously hit.

The cameras show that at least 5 more guys got ready to shoot. Everything happens very fast now. You don’t even have time to see who’s aiming for you and who’s aiming for the other girl. All of the sudden you feel like someone had kicked you in the left leg but then you realise your knee had been shot. But compared to the girl next to you you were lucky. Within seconds two bullets hit her in her tits, one of them directly in her nipple. Another bullet hit her in the belly while the last one hit her vagina once again and tore it so far open that her sex toy slides right out of her and falls on the floor. You can see blood flowing out of her mouth, her lungs must have been hit. And only seconds later a bullet hits her head. Her dead body collapses next to you.

Another wave of adrenalin pushes through your body. Seeing that girl dying just next to you gave you an additional kick. The mixture of fear, excitement, humiliation and desperation gives you an incredible push for your level of arousal. You start to feel that tickling sensation between your legs again. Now that you have nothing more to loose you don’t hold back any longer and start rubbing your clit furiously. At least you still have a clit. In the last 20 minutes alone at least 10 women had lost their private parts to bullets. The thought that your womanhood could be destroyed any second now just let’s you masturbate faster and faster.

Now that the other girl is dead all the shooters focus on you naturally. Within 20 seconds you get shot in your shoulder, both of your thighs, your waist and your arm. The adrenalin and the excitement take away most of the pain but you can still feel a fair amount of it. With each shot you get closer to your orgasm. “Only a little longer… please don’t hit my cunt before I cum” are your thoughts as you rub your pussy like crazy. Your brain doesn’t even realise any longer when a bullet hits you. All you want is to feel that sensational feeling of the perfect orgasm for a very last time in your life. And suddenly there it was… that feeling that you feel when you know you can’t stop it any more. You close your eyes and experience the most intense orgasm you ever had in your life. After the first wave subsides a second and third wave comes in… Pure bliss!

When you open your eyes you see that most of the 20 girls are dead already; shot in their tits. Which means that the shooters seem to focus on your tits now. And while you have not even finished that thought you feel not one but two bullets ripp you beautiful breasts open. Suddenly you cannot breath any more. You try to exhale but instead of air a gush of blood shoots up into your mouth. You look towards your executioners and see at least 10 of the soldiers standing there with their hard cocks point their guns in your direction. Your last thought is “at least I gave them a good show”. Then you feel 4 bullets shredding your cunt to pieces and 6 further bullets shooting through your tits. Then everything turns black.

The only way to prevent gun deaths is to arm all the elementary school kiddies with guns as well. Imagine what would've happened if that guy had walked into a classroom full of 6 year olds with handguns and the ability to head-shot on instinct? He wouldn't have lasted one second, and that hot elementary school teacher would still be alive.

I confess that more and more I masturbate while thinking about being killed. Not raped or anything, just like... car-jacked and pulled from my car and shot in the head. Mugged and stabbed to death. What's wrong with me?

I confess that I harbor a great deal of shame and guilt.
It all started when after Columbine (yes the school shootings). I was there and I was shot at. Before I go any further, it's important to note that some of the people who were killed were people that I grew up with. If being shot at isn't traumatizing enough, seeing people who you knew since kindergarten get shot to death is something that I wouldn't wish onto my worst enemy.
I feel very guilty that I didn't try to help anyone. I looked after myself. I even told myself that they wouldn't help me. I later found out that some of my classmates who got shot were shot trying to help other people. I wanted to reach out to the families but I felt so ashamed over my self-preservation thoughts. I feel like a horrible person. I feel like that I should have at least gotten shot. It has gotten worse over the years. No one understands what I've gone through. I even feel guilty for feeling bad.

It all started after I just got a divorce and had to rent a room in a house in town. I had just lost my job and had just started a new one at entry level pay. I shared the house with two brothers, John and Jack that had inherited the house from their grandmother. They were both jocks that went to the gym everyday and loved sports. I was the opposite kind of small and thin and never really played sports. After the divorce I didn’t really want to have any girlfriends. I started looking at porn on my laptop and started to like the sissy stuff. I wasn’t gay and had always been with women. For some reason this stuff just turned me on. It all started off innocent enough. I would jerk off to sissy porn and then started watching sissy hypno videos. After a couple months went by when I bought my first panties. I never wore them when the brothers were home just when I had the house to myself. I almost died when I left a pair of thongs in the dryer and John found them. They started joking that I must have a new girlfriend and wanted to know when they were going to meet her. I just joked back and told them it was a one night stand. They laughed and congratulated me like I had just scored a touchdown. I had let my hair grow long and told them it was because where I worked they all did. I started driving to the city and trying to buy more stuff. I wanted to buy some stuff like skirts, blouses and shoes. The hardest thing to buy were things like bras, stockings and thing like that. Even though nobody knew who I was I still felt uncomfortable buying these things. I think the way I was embarrassed, they knew I was buying them for myself. Sometimes I would just walk out of the store because I was so embarrassed. That when I decided to start using Amazon. I went crazy! I could buy whatever I wanted and never had to go to a store. I bought all kind of stuff to dress up in. I was going to the post office almost every day. Then things like dildos and things like that started to be recommended to me. I started to try some small dildos and plugs. Oh god I loved it! The more I used them the more I wanted something bigger. I started buying ones that looked like dicks and they were a lot bigger than mine. I got a chastity devise and lock my penis up. It was so cool to not to be able to jerk off when I played my games. I would get horny as hell by not being able to cum for days. That may have been a bad thing looking back! Like I said the guys went to the gym every day and went to the bars most nights so I had the house to myself most of the time. The only problem was the hornier I got the more chances I would take. I almost got caught a couple of time. I swore not to take the chance of getting caught. One day we were all in the kitchen talking and Jack said something about ordering something on line and like a dumbass I said that I had an Amazon account. He said it would be great if he could just use my account to order his stuff. I didn’t know what to say but sure. I immediately went to my room and deleted my history and thought please don’t let him see what I been buying. I thought I had deleted everything and took my laptop to Jack’s room. I logged on for him and he was searching for what he wanted when John called me in to the living room for something. When I got back to Jack he was done ordering and gave me my laptop back and said he would pay me when his stuff came in. I thought everything was ok because everything was normal for a couple of days. Then three days later Jack came in and said John was out for the night and he wanted to talk to me. I sat on the couch and Jack was walking around then he said “I seen the fucked up shit you have bought on line.” My heart dropped and my stomach turned! I didn’t say anything. I just look at the floor and hope it would all go away. It didn’t. Jack said I knew there was something funny about you. Now go upstairs and get changed. I’m going to take a shower so don’t be too long! My head was spinning. I didn’t know what to do. Then Jack yelled “you better get your ass moving sissy or I’m going to stomp your ass in the ground.” I ran upstairs and slammed my door with all kind of thoughts running though my head. I didn’t want to dress up but, I was afraid Jack would kill me if I didn’t do as he said. I grabbed a skirt and blouse off the floor and put them on real fast. I already had panties on. I found some socks and tennis shoes that I had bought for that outfit and put them on. I looked in the mirror and thought to myself I got to do better than this. He’s going to beat the shit out of me. I knew I didn’t have time to put on much makeup so I just put on a little blush and lipstick and pulled my hair up in ponytails to help me look like a girl. I was out of breath and shaking knowing nobody has ever seen me this way. I ran back downstairs and heard the shower still running so I sat on his bed trembling. I heard the water stop and I knew he would be out soon so I tried to relax so he wouldn’t be mad. When I heard the door open my heart stopped. He walked in to the room and said “Holy fuck Scott.” He just stared at me for a while and then said “You make a good looking sissy you little faggot.” I just sat there not knowing what to say when he started to get angry again. Calling me names, saying he was going to tell everyone about me. I started crying a little and he kept yelling. I kept saying I was sorry and begging him not to tell anyone. He pushed me down on the bed and I thought he was going to hit me. He started calling me names like sissy bitch, pussy boy and told me I probably like sucking cocks too. I told him that I wasn’t gay and he just laughed. He took out his cell phone and started taking pics of me. I’m going to let everyone enjoy these. He said he was going to call all the guys at the gym and have them come over and fuck my sissy ass. I kept begging him not to and was really crying now. He said for now on he would call me Sue. He said Scott is not a good name for a sissy faggot. I was lying on the bed curled up in a ball crying and thing got quiet. I looked up and Jack was just standing over top of me. For a few minutes I didn’t know what he was going to do. I felt him sit on the bed and after a while he said “Sit up Sue we need to talk” I sat up and he said it would be ok and not to worry. I was wiping my eyes and he put out his hands like he wanted a hug. I was so confused I didn’t know what to do so I leaned towards him and he gave me a hug. The hug was lasting a long time and he pulled my legs over his lap and was rubbing my back and arms. He kept saying over and over that it will be ok. I was really getting uncomfortable from his touching when all of a sudden he grabbed my ass. I was shaking and afraid to say anything. He kept saying things like “Don’t worry, it will be ok and just relax.” The whole time he was rubbing my legs and ass. For some reason his touching me was beginning to less revolting and my comforting. I almost felt myself start to cuddle up to him. Then he said something that made my fears return. He said “Just do as I say and it will be ok. All you have to do is relax and enjoy this.” I wanted to run but I knew he would get mad again so I just sat there with him while he felt me up. His hands were everywhere, on neck and face, on my arm and the whole time with one on my ass. He put his hand inside of my panties and was squeezing and pulling on my ass cheek. He slid my panties down and was really working on my ass. He started breathing more heavily. A chill ran down my spine when he said “I think it time for you to get out of some of those pretty clothes. I started to pull away and he pulled me in really tight and said “Just do as I say and everything will be ok.” I went limp from defeat and he sat up and pulled me in to a kneeling position. I just close my eyes and let him take control of me. He started to pull on my sweater and blouse until it was pulled out of my skirt. He pulled my sweater up but, I still had my arms down and he said “We can do this the easy way or the hard way. Just do as I say and you might enjoy this. You are a pretty girl. Now act like a pretty girl.” I knew I didn’t have a choice so I raise my arms above my head and let him take my sweater off. After Jack got my sweater off he stood up and looked down at me and said “Sue are you going to be a good girl or am I going to have to call for some help.” I just looked down and didn’t say anything. I heard him pull his cell phone out and it sounded like he was dialing a number. I thought he was bluffing about telling his friends but when he started talking to one of his buddies from the gym named Brice I looked at him in shock. Brice was a very large black guy that was always mean to me. He would always push me around or put me in a head lock. Brice would call me names like little man. I had heard them joke with Brice about the size of his dick. He called it his cunt buster and rectum wrecker. I didn’t have any choice but to look up at Jack and say “I will be a good girl Jack. Please don’t let Brice come over here. I will do anything you want me to do. Please!” Jack looked down at me and told Brice that he had to go because he had a hot bitch on his bed that needed his attention. I don’t know what Brice said but, Jack said he would call him if he needed any help with this cunt. Jack hung up and said I was lucky because Brice would have split my ass in two and if he has any more problems with me that I wouldn’t be able to stop him from calling him to come over. Jack started taking off his clothes and I just sat on the bed looking down, kind of whimpering. I felt Jack approach the bed and said “Time to show me how good of a girl you can be Sue.” I looked up at him. He was naked and looked huge standing over me. He was pulling on his dick and looking down at me. He moved as close as he could to the edge of the bed and ordered “Lick my balls Sue.” I was scared to death and not knowing what to do. I remember thinking it was funny that he was completely shaved. I closed my eyes and stuck out my tongue. I leaned in until my tongue hit him balls. I was trying to think what I would want a woman to do to me when he barked “You better get busy Sue or I’m going to make a call.” I started licking like crazy not knowing if it felt good to him or not. He started to moan so I figured it must be ok. As I licked his balls I took my mouth and started to suck on them to. He seemed to really like that, so I continued to lick and suck on his balls while he was pulling on his dick. He got his phone and was taking more pics and videos. I was able to suck one of his balls in to my mouth and lick it while I sucked on it then I would change and do the same thing to the other one. I thought I must be doing ok his cock was getting really big and he wasn’t threatening me anymore. Then he let go of his cock and it hit me on my forehead. Jack ordered me to suck it. I had never sucked a dick before but I did pretend with my dildos. I figured it would be the same, but it was different. It was warm and soft and bigger than my dildos. I was full of mixed emotions. The man in me wanted to fight back and to stop this, but there was a part of me that wanted to take his cock in my mouth and suck him as deep as I could. He wasn’t moving a bit so any movement was me. The more I sucked his cock the more I wanted to suck him. Now I was rocking back and forth while sucking his cock taking more and more every time. I found myself hoping I was doing a good job and hoping I was better than any women he had fucked before. The thought crossed my mind that I better make him cum or he might want to fuck me. I started to really work on his cock. I grabbed it with my hand and started to jerk him while I was sucking the tip. He was breathing heavy and I thought he was going to cum. Then he pulled my hand off his cock and shoved it all the way in my mouth. My nose was pressed against his stomach and his cock was down my throat. He just held me there for a while. He slowly pulled back and pulled my ponytails so that his cock went all the way in my throat again. I couldn’t breathe when he was all the way in. He would release my hair and I would pull back and catch my breath. As soon as I did he would pull my hair until I was pulled back to the base of his cock. I tried to push back against his thighs to get his cock out of my throat but, the more I pushed the harder he pulled my ponytails. Finally I gave up and let him fuck my throat and hope to get a gasp of air when he pulled back. I was exhausted from the assault on my mouth. Jack started to slow down and was just slowly fucking my mouth. Jack pulled his cock out of my mouth and leaned down and whispered “Ok Sue, it’s time to give me some of that sweet ass of yours.” He pushed me down and pulled my legs towards him. In one swift move he twisted my legs to make me turn over and pulled my hips up so that I was on all fours. Jack opened a drawer next to the bed and grabbed a bottle of oil. He poured some on his cock and I felt it run down the crack of my ass as he poured it on me. Jack said “Reach back and spread that ass you little fucking faggot. I’m going to fuck you so hard you are going to beg me to stop.” I reached back with one hand and pulled my ass cheek. His cock was sliding up and down my ass crack. I almost wanted to thank him for using the oil. His cock was a lot bigger than anything I had put in my ass before so I was really scared. When I played with my toys I would go nice and slow so I could get used to the size. I pleaded to Jack to be easy and he started laughing. I knew he wasn’t going to be nice. Jack was rubbing his cock around my asshole but, not sticking it in. That’s when he leaned in and said “I want you to fuck my cock sissy. Don’t go slow, don’t be easy just slam your ass back as hard as you can. I want you to make it come all the way out and then slam your ass back down on it. Don’t stop until I tell you too.” I begged him not to make me rape my own ass. I was starting to cry. I know even my smallest dildo didn’t go in without a little discomfort and he wanted me to take his big cock that was twice the size of anything I had ever tried before. Jack was starting to get impatient. He reached around and grabbed my throat so I couldn’t breathe. He said “Get busy you little whore or I’m going to shove my fist up your ass. You would probably like that wouldn’t you.” I tried to say something but, I couldn’t talk with his hand on my throat. He released me and I choked as I said “Please don’t. I’ll be a good whore.” I knew what I had to do so I made up my mind to just get it over with. I could feel his hard cock at the entrance of my asshole so I pushed back to build up pressure and with all my force pushed back as hard as I could. His cock slid all the way in to the base and I screamed in a high pitch squeal. My ass was burning like I had just sat on a red hot rod. I was panting rapidly not able to catch my breath. Then he hollered “Pull it out”. I leaned forward until his cock was out of me. God it hurt just as bad going out as it did going in. Jack ordered me to do it again. I began to repeat the process of me slamming my ass down on his cock and pulling away until he was completely out. It was still hurting like hell but I guess my ass was starting to stretch to the size of his cock. After a few times I was getting into a rhythm when I heard him say “They are going to love this.” He started saying “Come on you fucking whore fuck my cock.” I knew he was videoing me fucking his cock with my ass. The more I repeated slamming his cock in my ass; I could feel myself starting to get aroused. My dick was getting hard and my ass was tingling. After several minutes I found myself getting into this experience. I would moan every time his cock would enter me and squeezing my ass trying to hold it in. I was a whore. Jack told me to stop and I heard myself moan a disappointing sound. He pushed me away and laid down on the bed. He pulled my hair and pushed my face towards his cock and said “Suck my dirty cock you fucking little slut.” I was way past the point of refusing. I pulled his cock in to my mouth like I was starving for it. I needed him to be satisfied. I was his slut and it was my duty to please him. I had sucked his cock and balls and fucked his cock with my ass. Now it was my responsibility to make him cum. I was sucking him like a crazed whore. Jerking him and sucking him all the way to the base of his cock. While I was sucking him I reached down and started jerking my own dick. I was a horny slut needing to cum. The more I pulled on my dick the more effort I made to get him to cum. I heard him chuckle and point his phone at me. Then he said “What a nasty whore you turned out to be. Now beg for me to cum.” I knew it was another video so I pulled my mouth off his cock and said “Please Jack cum for me. Feed me your cum. I need you to cum in my mouth. I will be your whore forever. I will suck your cock, lick your balls and fuck you whenever you want. I will be your nasty slut to use anyway you like. PLEASE just cum for me!” I was so close to cumming I would have said anything. Jack got up and stood beside the bed and said “Open your mouth bitch.” I sat up opened my mouth and stuck out my tongue while he stood in front of me jerking his cock. He started to cum and shot his cum on the side of my face. He moved closer. I could feel load after load hitting the back of my throat and on my tongue. Jack pushed me back on the bed and took several pics of me with my cum covered face and said “Fuck Sue that was awesome. I can’t wait until tomorrow!”

For my protection and my friend this is a fantasy story. it is up to you to decide if it is true or not. but i am not saying that it is. This did not really happen. But, if it did, I would be confessing something that has haunted me for 2 years. My wife of 10 years died of an aneurism suddenly while she was at work. She was an executive assistant for a large company in San Francisco. We had no children. A friend of hers called me in tears before the police arrived at my place of business, which I will not identify. Oddly, I was composed while being told on the phone, kind of. I kept repeating "what?, what?" as if I didn't understand what she was saying. Her crying and sobbing made it clear this wasn't a bad joke. But, I just kept saying "what?" "what?", getting a bit loud at the end. None of my coworkers noticed my demeanor given the nature of our work. My reaction could have been consistent with a normal business call. I cannot explain. I don't remember hanging up the phone. I was sitting there with my mind spinning. trying to make sense of the phone call. I was in complete denial. After a few minutes, I started playing solitaire on my laptop. crazy, i know. but, i didn't know what to do. somehow, the game actually distracted me and I managed to put the phone call behind me. I was strangely at some kind of weird peace. But then I fainted when I saw 2 uniformed police officers standing at the end of the hallway asking a coworker which one was me. When she pointed at me, I suddenly blacked out from shock. They revived me shortly. I did not injure myself in the fall. The older female officer asked me to confirm my name, and then told me what I already knew. I got sick. I threw up until I was dry heaving. I could not believe it. I became hysterical and had to be escorted out by the officers. I didn't really think about it until we arrived at the hospital that they were taking me to identify her body. I panicked. But, a doctor gave me something, I presume a sedative shot. It calmed me down real quick. When they lifted the covering to show her face, i was calm. probably from the drugs. i said, yes that is my wife. next thing I knew I was home. The county medical examiner conducted a pretty quick autopsy to determine the aneurism. I thought those things took longer than that, but I guess they had a good idea what it was and scanned her brain to confirm it.

Her mom took care of the phone calls and funeral arrangements as I was in complete despair. Something that no one knew is that my wife and I were getting a divorce. We had not seen a lawyer or told anyone, yet. She asked for it. That also devastated me. I am an average looking guy, but she was practically a model. She was a cheerleader in high school and college. she was 5 ft 3 in., 120 lbs. light brown hair with hazel eyes. Now she was dead at the age of 33. We had not had sex in 5 years, despite my best efforts. She eventually told me that she had no interest in sex. I did not suspect she was having an affair. I knew her better than that. She knew it was hurting me, so we went to a few specialists and she was diagnosed with hypoactive sexual desire disorder. I did some research and now believe that it could be related to the aneurism that eventually killed her. She was going to file for divorce so that I could find someone who could fulfill my needs. I did not want it but she was very adamant.

A older man I met at church about 3 or so years before this tragedy, ended up being the guy who would be her embalmer at the funeral home. He came to my home to tell me and ask if I wanted him to get someone else, someone I didn't know, to do this THING to my wife. I told him no. it was his job and I trusted him. He kept offering to ask for another embalmer, but I assured him i was fine with it. He was very kind and gentle. He offered his condolences with a tear or two to match my own as he headed for the door. Before I shut the door, he turns abruptly, as if he had forgot something, and asked me if I wanted to see her that night. The transfer to the funeral home from the hospital had already been made. She was in a refrigerated unit at the funeral home. He was going to start the embalming process in the morning once all the paperwork had been filed. I don't know why exactly, but I said yes. I followed him to the home. it was late, probably 11 pm, maybe later. He told me that he was not supposed to do this, so please not to let anyone know. I assured him I would not.

I was expecting stainless steel drawers with handles, like you see in the movies and tv shows, but it was a decent size room that was refrigerated. inside, were three gurneys with people who had died that day. One was my wife, another was a 70+ year old man who had died of a massive heart attack earlier that day while having lunch with his wife. He was a large man, maybe 6 ft 2, 270 or 290, i don't know maybe 300. big guy. the covered body on the third gurney was shaped very similar to my wife. He told me it was a girl who was a passenger in a car with another girl who crashed while texting and driving. the driver lived. This girl, was not wearing her seatbelt. she was thrown fro the vehicle and broke her neck. died instantly. He couldn't keep talking about it. for some reason, the young girls death chokes him up and effects him more than even my wifes. I assume it was because she was so young. a mere teen. He starts to say something, but stops.

So, he's quite emotional after this day and says I can stay as long as I like, until he comes back to get me or I came looking for him, whichever happened first. He was going into the chapel area to nap on one of the benches.

he left me alone with three dead bodies in a cold room. I stood there for what seemed like several minutes before I approached my wifes body. I pulled back the covering. There she was, as I had seen her before. I stared at her still made up face from work. They hadn't had a chance to clean her up for embalming yet. She was very white, kinda bluish. But, still just as attractive as the girl I fell in love with in college.

I guess it was an impulse. without even looking around to make sure no one was watching, I pulled the covering down to expose her breasts. I don't know how its supposed to work, post morten, but her nipples, which I hadn't seen in 5 years, were very erect. Her breasts are not very big. She is a small b cup, but still very perky for her age. NOW, I looked around and even went to the chapel to see if my friend was awake. He was snoring loudly.

I suddenly, with a very confusing mix of guilt and excitement, started getting hard. I hurried back to the cold room. I realized I had left the covering half off while I checked on my friend. I didn't bring a jacket, so I was pretty chilly, but my blood starting flowing and suddenly I began to warm up. I pulled my phone from my pocket. i was going to take some nudies of my dead wife. at that point, my cock had taken over and I didn't care how messed up any of this was.

so, with a shudder, I pulled the covering all the way off to the floor. I was in shock. I was expecting a bush, considering she had no interest in sex, but there she was... with the thinnest most perfectly trimmed landing strip I had ever seen on her. I was naturally confused, but didn't waste time wondering "why" she did it, or possibly "for whom" she was doing it. I started snapping photos and got very excited.

that's when things got out of hand. I was so turned on, I wanted to see her pussy. on the table, her cold outer labia was flesh colored and closed. I spread the covering on the ground and picked her up to put her on the floor.

rigor mortis is unsettling to say the least. while her legs and arms did bend down under the weight of gravity, her left leg and left arm seemed to stay more stiff. even her head didn't fall back like I would have expected.

i got her to the floor. and had a difficult time getting her legs to come apart. I finally figured to massage the legs to make them more pliable. eventually, she lay on the cold floor, naked, legs spread showing her perfect and tight pussy. and she was dead.

i didn't stop to think. i kept taking pictures and then realized... i realized the obvious. it was cold, but I got my pants down to my knees and knelt to the floor.

I don't believe in god like most people. i believe in a higher power but don't think he pays any attention to us. i hope I am right. i put my cock against her freezing cold pussy. rigor mortis, no moisture in her pussy, no lubricant. i was screwed.

i had gone this far. i wasn't going to be denied the pussy that was legally mine, at least while she was alive. I started going through drawers. finally, two rooms down the hall, I found some lubricant that I didn't even want to think about why they had it.

Back in the room, I dropped to the floor. I greased up my still throbbing cock. then, gently started applying lube to her pussy. it didn't feel as soft and fleshy as i remembered, but once I got my cock in, I remembered the ecstasy of having sex with my beautiful loving wife.

her eyes were closed, so I wiped my hands and opened them. I was a little surprised when they stayed open. I was fucking my dead wife as she seemed to look at me. I suddenly came harder than i can ever remember. it just kept pumping cum until it started oozing out her vagina.

i fell to the floor next to her. started playing with her erect nipples. and it wasn't more than 2 minutes before my erection returned.

as i lay on the floor, i could see the other two gurneys against the wall, side by side... then I got an evil thought in my head. yes, you know what I did.

I jumped up. penis purple and throbbing out of control. I walked slowly over to the other dead girl. I had no idea what she looked like.

I pulled back the cover and my jaw dropped. she was the most perfect looking blonde I had ever seen. her hair was cut short, up to her neck. And if i had any doubts about if she was a natural blonde before, I just saw the proof. a small patch of silky blonde hair sitting on top of her pussy mound. her tits were also not very big, but thats okay. she had thin, but muscular legs that made them look longer than they were. I noticed a nasty scrape on her left arm and left hip. not too big, and they had been cleaned.

the sheet goes to the floor next to my dead wife. this girl was even lighter than my wife. And somehow she seemed a bit more limber. I don't know why. I repeated the process., massaging her legs until they parted and revealed the smallest set of pussy lips I've ever seen. In a perfect clam shape with still some rosy pinkness left. her lips were also fuller than my wifes. not a lot, but they were cushiony to the touch. I took some books from a nearby shelf to put under their heads so I could see their faces better.

The girls eyes were still closed. When I opened them, they were bright gray, like so many movie stars. except for the scrapes from the accident, her flesh was smoother than my wifes, as a teen girls flesh would be. My wife was stunning. The perfect sex object now displaying her wares. And now this strange girl, legs spread, bright gray eyes appearing to look into mine. neither naked female able to smile, since they were dead. I make sure everything ls lubed appropriately and just before i enter this fresh coed, it occurs to me to check something.

I pulled apart her lips and with some work, and found...a hymen. if there is a god, i'm going to hell anyway. I gently enter her. looking into her eyes, then over at my wife who was now watching me fuck a dead teen girl. when I said her pussy was small and tight, and now a hymen? I wasn't kidding. I have an average size penis, about 5-6 inches. but, the blood had been pumping so long, I has as thick as I was long at this point.

I started to think it was't going to work, then decided I was going to MAKE it happen. the lube was adequate. I pulled back for a forceful thrust and grabbed her shoulders for support as I pushed hard. i felt ripping flesh. i mean lots of ripping flesh. i looked down and saw some blood. just what rubbed off her vagina as I made her a woman. I kept going. my god, it was impossibly tight. within a minute, i had again cum more than i thought i had in me.

i cleaned myself off, thinking it was time to put everyone back in place. but, i saw them again. lying side by side. these two beautiful women, totally naked. and totally mine to do as I wish.

I rolled the both over. they could have been mother and daughter. perfect asses. just absolutely perfect. i lubed up. started pumping my wifes asshole. When she was alive, she said that is something she would NEVER EVER do. out of the question. Yet, there I was. pushing my cock into her asshole. it felt a little, grainy, i guess? but obviously very tight. She was dead. I could go as deep as I wanted. I pushed and pushed, grinding into her cold, but bouncy soft ass cheeks. it felt incredible.

then, the girl. it felt about the same, but her ass was smoother, heaving and swollen, although, quite cold which I had gotten used to. I managed to lift her to her knees, sort of. i grabbed her tits and pulled myself into her as deeply as I possible could. that's when the final and most powerful gushing of cum started. I'm laying on her back kissing her neck as my cock empties into her. at that moment i thought of the girl who was driving. how much more guilty she would feel if she saw her friends hymen and asshole torn to shreds because she couldn't wait to text later.

an hour or so later, I had cleaned everything up. found new coverings. the old ones were quite dirty now. and had both in place and looking pretty much like they did when I arrived.

i put the dirty sheets in my car and trashed them later.

after I was sure i had all in order, i woke my friend, the embalmer. he was embarrassed he has slept so long. I told him it was fine, because I got to say goodbye to my wife.

He tells me he is going to stay and start the embalming since its almost morning, anyway. He walks me to the door. gives me a hug and tells me again how sorry he is. then...what he says next, well, that is why I'm confessing today. I'm an evil person. More than you know. My friend, who was kind enough to bring me to the funeral home to see my wife... he tells me what he was too emotionally choked up to say before his chapel nap.

that poor girl in the room with my wife? that was his granddaughter. She had just graduated high school and was heading to a Purity Pledge meeting before heading to Summer Camp. A Christian group of teens that pledge to maintain their virginity until marriage. He said to me that the only solace he could find in this senseless death, is that she will go to her grave having kept her promise.

Yes. I am going to hell.

http://www.laughspin.com/2014/07/04/anthony-cumia-fired-why-racist-twitter-rant-led-to-firing-from-opie-and-anthony-siriusxm-show/

By Melissa Siegel July 4, 2014 at 11:54 am 90 Comments News, TV/Movies Tags: anthony cumia, anthony cumia fired, anthony cumia fired opie and anthony, anthony cumia fired racist twitter rant, anthony cumia fired twitter rant, anthony cumia racism, anthony cumia racist twitter rant, anthony cumia twitter rant, colin quinn, opie and anthony, opie and anthony colin quinn, opie and anthony show, opie and anthony twitter

Anthony Cumia

Anthony Cumia, one half of the radio duo Opie & Anthony, was fired on Friday following what many are describing as a shocking racist Twitter rant.

The rant came after Cumia was allegedly attacked by an African-American woman in Times Square.

“SiriusXM has terminated its relationship with Anthony Cumia of the Opie & Anthony channel,” said Patrick Reilly, the Senior Vice p******** of Communications for SiriusXM.”The decision was made, and Cumia informed, late Thursday, July 3 after careful consideration of his racially-charged and hate-filled remarks on social media. Those remarks and postings are abhorrent to SiriusXM, and his behavior is wholly inconsistent with what SiriusXM represents.”

Anthony Cumia confirmed the firing news on his Twitter page Friday morning. And needless to say, the radio jock was not happy about it.

Sirius decided to cave and fire me. Welcome to bizarro world. Fired for shit that wasn’t even on the air & wasn’t illegal. So, who’s next?

— Anthony Cumia (@AnthonyCumia) July 4, 2014

RT @TedChrist: @AnthonyCumia Not suspended? Fired, so fired? -Fired, fired, so fired.

— Anthony Cumia (@AnthonyCumia) July 4, 2014

The rant that led to Anthony Cumia’s stunning firing took place early Wednesday, hours after the host was allegedly assaulted in Times Square. Cumia then went on a Twitter tirade full of racist and sexist remarks. You can view the (very NSFW) rant below.

So, I’m taking pix in NYC & a black girl who was in frame punched me in the face. I called her a fucking “&$;;-:” cause that’s what she WAS!

— Anthony Cumia (@AnthonyCumia) July 2, 2014

Then she punched me 5 more times. She’s lucky I was a white legal gun owner or she’d be dead. Then 5 blacks started giving me shit!

— Anthony Cumia (@AnthonyCumia) July 2, 2014

I told them to back the fuck off, this wasn’t their show. The cunt then punched me again. Seems white boys don’t hit back. Lucky savage.

— Anthony Cumia (@AnthonyCumia) July 2, 2014

Wish a cop was around. Although she said she’d tell them I sexually harassed her. Lying cunt. I hope she gets shot in her ass fuck face. Ugh

— Anthony Cumia (@AnthonyCumia) July 2, 2014

They aren’t people.

— Anthony Cumia (@AnthonyCumia) July 2, 2014

Im fucking livid. If I was an illegal savage I’d have shot her. The I are violence in her was so predictable. I hope she gets killed.

— Anthony Cumia (@AnthonyCumia) July 2, 2014

It’s a jungle out in our cities after midnight. Violent savages own the streets. They all came 2 defend this pig. I had to yell like at dogs

— Anthony Cumia (@AnthonyCumia) July 2, 2014

RT @justacword: @AnthonyCumia did you get any photos of her -Yup. Animal pig fuck cunt bitch

— Anthony Cumia (@AnthonyCumia) July 2, 2014

RT @tikiruss: @AnthonyCumia WTF? For no reason? -Reason!?? I WAS WHITE!!!

— Anthony Cumia (@AnthonyCumia) July 2, 2014

Savage violent animal fucks prey on white people. Easy targets. This CUNT has no clue how lucky she was. She belted me 10 times. I had a gun

— Anthony Cumia (@AnthonyCumia) July 2, 2014

RT @RonLR2: @AnthonyCumia So, what started all this? -I was taking pix in Times Square. She was in a pic. Violence was her answer. ANIMAL

— Anthony Cumia (@AnthonyCumia) July 2, 2014

The cunt animal kept walking into my arm I had up as a block saying “DONT TOUCH ME!” Then would hit me. I hope a home boy beats her to death

— Anthony Cumia (@AnthonyCumia) July 2, 2014

The automatic jump to violence in that community is astounding. No discussion. It’s start punching at the least little thing. Uncivilized!!

— Anthony Cumia (@AnthonyCumia) July 2, 2014

RT @HuntsvilleDore:a female beat u? -No,an ANIMAL BITCH used it’s instinctual violence on me. I restrained myself from putting it to sleep

— Anthony Cumia (@AnthonyCumia) July 2, 2014

RT @KyleScutch: Did u hit her back -I was fooled by my upbringing. “Don’t hit a woman”. But this was an animal. I shoulda smashed it’s face

— Anthony Cumia (@AnthonyCumia) July 2, 2014

The switch to violence is immediate. No discussion, just violence. When will THAT be addressed? Oh, right, never. Slavery did it? Oh, ok.

— Anthony Cumia (@AnthonyCumia) July 2, 2014

There’s a deep seeded problem with violence in the black community. Try to address it and you’ll be exiled to racistville. But it’s real.

— Anthony Cumia (@AnthonyCumia) July 2, 2014

While it is easy to understand how this racist rant got Anthony Cumia fired, this was not the first time the shock jock has made controversial remarks. In fact, Cumia has made so many racist comments during the “Opie and Anthony” show that we are surprised he wasn’t fired before. Per Jezebel, he once accused the media of “coddling” African-Americans.

“The press will coddle black people,” Anthony Cumia said during once “Opie & Anthony” rant. “It’s unbelievable the extent the press will go to to try not to offend and try this inclusion. The f–ked up thing is people were getting upset that so many black people were being portrayed as criminals on the news. That’s it. And sorry, there’s a large percentage—it’s disproportionate to the population of this country of black people committing crimes.”

And way before Anthony Cumia’s firing, he supposedly yelled at African-American callers who disagreed with his views.

“You’re not gonna get 100% of whitey to kiss your fucking ass with their guilt,” Anthony Cumia supposedly told one caller. “F–k you and f–k your mother! I’m a text book guy. I’ve been a text book guy my whole life. I use facts!”

Listen to another racist rant from Anthony Cumia below.

Still, this history of racism has not stopped some from supporting Anthony Cumia after his firing. Colin Quinn, a frequent guest of “Opie and Anthony,” used a famous quote from Voltaire to defend his friend’s behavior.

Sherry and the beach party

Sherry is a 26 year old woman, kind of plain, and chubby. She works at a Dinner, she has not had many dates as most see her and just pass her by. She is one of those that are here but no one pays munch attention to.

So When Jim started to talk to her, and come to her table at the dinner, she was delighted, he had even asked her to movies, and out to dinner, she grew to trust jim. Little did she know that jim had planes for her.

They had not gotten romantic yet other than some petting and kissing, she hoped that they would have sex at some time soon, but it just did not seem to be the right time. She did enjoy when jim played with her breast, making her nipples hard.

The summer stretched on, and near the end of August, jim told her about a beach party that he and his fraternity held each year at the lake. He told her there would be food, drink, some wild partying and a bonfire to finish off the weekend. He thought to himself that she is perfect for there party.

Sherry told jim yes she would love to go, and she had not met any of his fraternity brothers or there girls. She decided to go to the mall and get new outfit for the party. She was hoping that this would be a week end of sex and fun, so she went to Victoria’s secret, and bought matching bra and panties, sexy shorts and a blouse, all saying come get me, she smiled as she looked at them and was dreaming of a fun weekend.

The weekend came and jim picked up Sherry, and let her know she was looking so good in her new outfit, they were getting to the lake for the last day of the gathering, he explained to sherry that every one brought a donation to the bonfire, she assumed his was in the trunk, they drove, for hours, and finely got to the gathering, it was still early, and she enjoyed drink and food, the other girls there commented on her shorts and blouse, Sherry was so pleased, she had never had so munch attention paid to her.

As it got near sunset, the group started to pile bundles around a stake, for the bonfire, all the men and women there built up the pyre, Sherry looked at jim, and asked what was he going to pile on, he looked at her and said You!

It took a moment for it to sink in, then she said, what you mean ME? He told her that he was going to put her on the pyre, and that she was going to be this years offering, he explaned to her that each year they burn a woman as a offering for a good year to come.

Sherry, screamed, but I don’t want to die or be burned! About than, four men, grabed her, and took her to the pyre, as she kicked and struggled, she was taken up, to the top, and her hands clasped into hand cuffs, she was than left to stand, no other bindings. She twisted and turned; looking around, crying, please don’t do this!

The group gathered, at the pyre, Sherry seen two cameras set up, , one was already filming, as it caught her being taken to the pyre. She struggled and begged to be freed, she was sweeting, and having trouble controlling her breathing as she was screamingShe seen Jim, and begged him to not hurt her, she offered all that she had, including herself to not be burned to death. He just smiled and she seen him toss her over night bag, and purse on the pyer, jim saying you wont need this any longer.

She was standing there, watching them light the torches to be used to light the pyre, jim was watching her, as she wet her self, soaking her shorts, and streams of pee running down her legs. He smiled at her fear.

Jim asked her if she was ready to die, she screamed NO! GOD NO !!, with that jim and three others shoved the torches into the pyre, the flames, started to grow fast. as the wood and kindling was all dry

The flames spread around the pyre, and started to rise toward her, she stomped her feet, at the burning bundles, She screamed as the flames were wrapping around her shoes, and lapping at her cafes. Her screams became intense with the unbearable pain. Her begging to be freed was ignored., the fire grew, and was scorching her thighs, she was moving from side to side trying to free her self from the flames, but they are all around her there is no relife. as the skin turned red than blistered her screams become primal. Her shorts had dried and now turned brown and ignited, burning her sex, the sex she had hoped to have was sex with the fire. She banged her head on the post as the flames climbed her body, burning away the shorts and blouse leaving her near nude, her body sweating and seeping fat ,her sweet and fat from her skin was dripping into the flames creating flare ups, her breast now burning, the screaming changes to a mumble than nothing, as her blonde hair erupts as her head falls forward.

The group all thank Jim for the offering, as the fire finishes sherry. Jim turns to the camera men, asks if they got all the shots, both men smiled, as jim told them he already had a buyer for the film, and it would finance the group for the year, Sherry had no idea she had been chosen to be a sacrifice and the main event for a snuff film.

It always makes me laugh when niggers scream and cry over one of their own getting shot by a white cop and they want me to care about it. I don't. In fact, I'm thrilled to see a young black male shot to death whether it's done by a white cop or another nigger. I never understood why niggers think that white people care about their problems. We don't and that includes the bleeding heart white liberals. Even the bleeding heart white liberals know that niggers are no good which is why they would rather live in a white capitalist 1% neighborhood over any black neighborhood. I do understand why niggers run to white people when they're upset. They think we'll give them money to feel better in addition to their welfare.

Life, the Universe & everything.

Quotes from Douglas Adams, one of the funniest guys that ever lived.

RIP 1952 - 2001.
So long, & thanks for all the books.

“In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.”

"A common mistake that people make when trying to design something completely foolproof is to underestimate the ingenuity of complete fools."

"Arthur hoped and prayed that there wasn't an afterlife. Then he realised there was a contradiction there and merely hoped that there wasn't an afterlife.”

“Bypasses are devices that allow some people to dash from point A to point B very fast while other people dash from point B to point A very fast. People living at point C, being a point directly in between, are often given to wonder what's so great about point A that so many people from point B are so keen to get there and what's so great about point B that so many people from point A are so keen to get there. They often wish that people would just once and for all work out where the hell they wanted to be.”

“For a moment, nothing happened. Then, after a second or so, nothing continued to happen.”

“God puts an apple tree in the middle of the Garden of Eden and says, do what you like guys, oh, but don't eat the apple. Surprise surprise, they eat it and he leaps out from behind a bush shouting "Gotcha." It wouldn't have made any difference if they hadn't eaten it... because if you're dealing with somebody who has the sort of mentality which likes leaving hats on the pavement with bricks under them you know perfectly well they won't give up. They'll get you in the end.”

“He shifted his weight from foot to foot, but it was equally uncomfortable on each.”

“Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so.”

“Humans are not proud of their ancestors, and rarely invite them round to dinner.”

“I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.”

“I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I intended to be.”

“I'm spending a year dead for tax reasons.”

“If human beings don't keep exercising their lips, he thought, their mouths probably seize up. After a few months' consideration and observation he abandoned this theory in favour of a new one. If they don't keep on exercising their lips, he thought, their brains start working.”

“If it looks like a duck, and quacks like a duck, we have at least to consider the possibility that we have a small aquatic bird of the family anatidae on our hands.”

“If somebody thinks they're a hedgehog, presumably you just give 'em a mirror and a few pictures of hedgehogs and tell them to sort it out for themselves.”

"INFINITE: Bigger than the biggest thing ever and then some. Much bigger than that, in fact, really amazingly immense, a totally stunning size, real "wow, that's big" time. Infinity is so big that by comparison, bigness itself looks really titchy. Gigantic multiplied by colossal multiplied by staggeringly huge is the sort of concept we're trying to get across here.”

“Isn't it enough to see that a garden is beautiful without having to believe that there are fairies at the bottom of it too?”

“It is a mistake to think you can solve any major problems just with potatoes.”

“It is a rare mind indeed that can render the hitherto non-existent blindingly obvious. The cry 'I could have thought of that' is a very popular and misleading one, for the fact is that they didn't, and a very significant and revealing fact it is too.”

“It is a well-known fact that those people who must want to rule people are, ipso facto, those least suited to do it... anyone who is capable of getting themselves made p******** should on no account be allowed to do the job.”

“It is an important and popular fact that things are not always what they seem. For instance, on the planet Earth, man had always assumed that he was more intelligent than dolphins because he had achieved so much - the wheel, New York, wars and so on - whilst all the dolphins had ever done was muck about in the water having a good time. But conversely, the dolphins had always believed that they were far more intelligent than man - for precisely the same reasons.”

“Life... is like a grapefruit. It's orange and squishy, and has a few pips in it, and some folks have half a one for breakfast.”

“Life is wasted on the living.”

“Many men of course became extremely rich, but this was perfectly natural and nothing to be ashamed of because no one was really poor, at least no one worth speaking of.”

“Many words and expressions which only a matter of decades ago were considered so distastefully explicit that, were they merely to be breathed in public, the perpetrator would be shunned, barred from polite society, and in extreme cases shot through the lungs, are now thought to be very healthy and proper, and their use in everyday speech and writing is evidence of a well-adjusted, relaxed and totally unfucked-up personality.”

"Space is big. You just won't believe how vastly, hugely, mind-bogglingly big it is. I mean, you may think it's a long way down the road to the drug store, but that's just peanuts to space.”

“That young girl is one of the least benightedly unintelligent organic life forms it has been my profound lack of pleasure not to be able to avoid meeting.”

“The difficulty with this conversation is that it's very different from most of the ones I've had of late. Which, as I explained, have mostly been with trees.”

“The Guide is definitive. Reality is frequently inaccurate.”

“The History of every major Galactic Civilization tends to pass through three distinct and recognizable phase, those of Survival, Inquiry and Sophistication, otherwise known as the How, Why and Where phases. For instance, the first phase is characterized by the question How can we eat? the second by the question Why do we eat? and the third by the question Where shall we have lunch?”

“The impossible often has a kind of integrity which the merely improbable lacks.”

“The knack of flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.”

“The major difference between a thing that might go wrong and a thing that cannot possibly go wrong is that when a thing that cannot possibly go wrong goes wrong it usually turns out to be impossible to get at and repair.”

“The mere thought hadn't even begun to speculate about the merest possibility of crossing my mind.”

“The ships hung in the sky in much the same way that bricks don't.”

“There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened.”

“This planet has - or rather had - a problem, which was this: most of the people living on it were unhappy for pretty much of the time. Many solutions were suggested for this problem, but most of these were largely concerned with the movements of small green pieces of paper, which is odd because on the whole it wasn't the small green pieces of paper that were unhappy.”

“Time is bunk.”

“Time, we know, is relative. You can travel light years through the stars and back, and if you do it at the speed of light then, when you return, you may have aged mere seconds while your twin brother or sister will have aged twenty, thirty, forty or however many years it is, depending on how far you traveled. This will come to you as a profound shock, particularly if you didn't know you had a twin brother or sister.”

“We demand rigidly defined areas of doubt and uncertainty!”

“We have normality. I repeat, we have normality. Anything you still can't cope with is therefore your own problem.”

“You live and learn. At any rate, you live.”

“A computer terminal is not some clunky old television with a typewriter in front of it. It is an interface where the mind and body can connect with the universe and move bits of it about.”

“It's no coincidence that in no known language does the phrase "As pretty as an airport" appear.”

“If on the other hand he went to pay his respects to The Door and it wasn't there...what then?

The answer, of course, was very simple. He had a whole board of circuits for dealing with exactly this problem, in fact this was the very heart of his function. He would continue to believe in it whatever the facts turned out to be, what else was the meaning of belief? The Door would still be there, even if the Door was not.”

"He felt that his whole life was some kind of dream and he sometimes wondered whose it was and whether they were enjoying it."

“Far out in the uncharted backwaters of the unfashionable end of the Western Spiral arm of the Galaxy lies a small unregarded yellow sun. Orbiting this at a distance of roughly ninety-eight million miles is an utterly insignificant little blue-green planet whose ape-descended life forms are so amazingly primitive that they still think digital watches are a pretty neat idea ...”

“Men were real men, women were real women, and small, furry creatures from Alpha Centauri were real small, furry creatures from Alpha Centauri. Spirits were brave, men boldly split infinitives that no man had split before. Thus was the Empire forged.”

“You know, it's at times like this when I'm trapped in a Vogon

airlock with a man from Betelgeuse and about to die of asphyxiation in

deep space that I really wish I'd listened to what my mother told me

when I was young!

Why, what did she tell you?

I don't know, I didn't listen!”

“...was there a reason behind it? There would be no point in asking... he never appeared to have a reason for anything he did at all: he had turned unfathomably into an art form. He attacked everything in life with a mixture of extraordinary genius and naive incompetence and it was often difficult to tell which was which.”

“Anything that happens, happens.

Anything that, in happening, causes something else to happen, causes something else to happen.

Anything that, in happening, causes itself to happen again, happens again.

It doesn’t necessarily do it in chronological order, though.”

“Ford, you're turning into a penguin. Stop it.”

“Who is this God person anyway?”

“On the way back, they sang a number of tuneful and reflective songs on the subjects of peace, justice, morality, culture, sport, family life, and the obliteration of all other life forms.”

“Well I think we've sorted all that out now. If you'd like to know, I can tell you that in your Universe you move freely in three dimensions that you call space. You move in a straight line in a fourth, which you call time, and stay rooted to one place in a fifth, which is the first fundamental of probability. After that it gets a bit complicated, and there's all sorts of stuff going on in dimensions 13 to 22 that you really wouldn't want to know about. All you really need to know for the moment is that the Universe is a lot more complicated then you might think.”

"`...You hadn't exactly gone out of your way to call attention to them had you? I mean like actually telling anyone or anything.'

`But the plans were on display...'

`On display? I eventually had to go down to the cellar to find them.'

`That's the display department.'

`With a torch.'

`Ah, well the lights had probably gone.'

`So had the stairs.'

`But look you found the notice didn't you?'

`Yes,' said Arthur, `yes I did. It was on display in the bottom of a locked filing cabinet stuck in a disused lavatory with a sign on the door saying "Beware of The Leopard".'"

"`Time is an illusion. Lunchtime doubly so.'

`Very deep,' said Arthur, `you should send that in to the "Reader's Digest". They've got a page for people like you.'"

"`This must be Thursday,' said Arthur to himself, sinking low over his beer, `I never could get the hang of Thursdays.'"

"Pages one and two [of Zaphod's p********ial speech] had been salvaged by a Damogran Frond Crested Eagle and had already become incorporated into an extraordinary new form of nest which the eagle had invented. It was constructed largely of papier mache and it was virtually impossible for a newly hatched baby eagle to break out of it. The Damogran Frond Crested Eagle had heard of the notion of survival of the species but wanted no truck with it."

“this is obviously some strange usage of the word "safe" that I wasn't previously aware of.”

"`You'd better be prepared for the jump into hyperspace. It's unpleasently like being drunk.'

`What's so unpleasent about being drunk?'

`You ask a glass of water.'"

"If there's anything more important than my ego around, I want it caught and shot now.'"

"There are of course many problems connected with life, of which some of the most popular are `Why are people born?' `Why do they die?' `Why do they spend so much of the intervening time wearing digital watches?'"

"The fronting for the eighty-yard long marble-topped bar had been made by stitching together nearly twenty thousand Antarean Mosaic Lizard skins, despite the fact that the twenty thousand lizards concerned had needed them to keep their insides in."

"`We've got to find out what people want from fire, how they relate to it, what sort of image it has for them.'

The crowd were tense. They were expecting something wonderful from Ford.

`Stick it up your nose,' he said.

`Which is precisely the sort of thing we need to know,' insisted the girl, `Do people want fire that can be fitted nasally?'"

“What to do if you find yourself stuck in a crack in the ground underneath a giant boulder you can't move, with no hope of rescue. Consider how lucky you are that life has been good to you so far. Alternatively, if life hasn't been good to you so far, which given your current circumstances seems more likely, consider how lucky you are that it won't be troubling you much longer.”

"Ford grabbed him by the lapels of his dressing gown and spoke to him as slowly and distinctly and patiently as if he were somebody from a telephone company accounts department."

“Arthur's consciousness approached his body as from a great distance, and reluctantly. It had had some bad times in there. Slowly, nervously, it entered and settled down into its accustomed position.”

"His eyes seemed to be popping out of his head. He wasn't certain if this was because they were trying to see more clearly, or if they simply wanted to leave at this point."

"There was a point to this story, but it has temporarily escaped the chronicler's mind."

"`You know they've reintroduced the death penalty for insurance company directors?'

`Really?' said Arthur. `No I didn't. For what offence?'

Trillian frowned. `What do you mean, offence?'

`I see.'"

"`She hit me on the head with the rock again.'

`I think I can confirm that that was my daughter.'

`Sweet kid.'

`You have to get to know her,' said Arthur.

`She eases up does she?'

`No,' said Arthur, `but you get a better sense of when to duck.'"

"The beak was a major piece of armoury. It was a beak that would frighten any animal on earth, even one that was already dead and in a tin."

"`Could we perhaps take a snake bite detector with us to Komodo?'

`Course you can, course you can. Take as many as you like. Won't do you a blind bit of good because they're only for Australian snakes.'

`So what do we do if we get bitten by something deadly, then?'

He blinked at me as if I was stupid.

`Well what do you think you do?' he said. `You die of course. That's what deadly means.'"

"Mark turned and asked a passenger behind us if these planes ever crashed. Oh yes, he was told, but not to worry - there hadn't been a serious crash now in months."

"Virtually everything we were told in Indonesia turned out not to be true, sometimes almost immediately. The only exception to this was when we were told that something would happen immediately, in which case it turned out not to be true over an extended period of time."

"Komodo dragons sleep headfirst in large burrows. It is a very, very, very bad idea to even think of pulling its tail."

“Plenty of people did not care for him much, but then there is a huge difference between disliking somebody -- maybe even disliking them a lot -- and actually shooting them, strangling them, dragging them through the fields and setting their house on fire. It was a difference which kept the vast majority of the population alive from day to day.”

“Nothing travels faster than the speed of light with the possible exception of bad news, which follows its own laws.”

“The idea that Bill Gates has appeared like a knight in shining armour to lead all customers out of a mire of technological chaos neatly ignores the fact that it was he who, by peddling second-rate technology, led them into it in the first place.”

“The big corporations are suddenly taking notice of the web, and their reactions have been slow. Even the computer industry failed to see the importance of the Internet, but that's not saying much. Let's face it, the computer industry failed to see that the century would end.”

“One of the problems of taking things apart and seeing how they work - supposing you're trying to find out how a cat works--you take that cat apart to see how it works, what you've got in your hands is a non-working cat. The cat wasn't a sort of clunky mechanism that was susceptible to our available tools of analysis.”

“For thousands more years the mighty ships tore across the empty wastes of space and finally dived screaming on to the first planet they came across - which happened to be the Earth - where due to a terrible miscalculation of scale the entire battle fleet was accidentally swallowed by a small dog.”

“The technology involved in making anything invisible is so infinitely complex that nine hundred and ninety-nine thousand million, nine hundred and ninety- nine million, nine hundred and ninety-nine thousand, nine hundred and ninety- nine times out of a billion it is much simpler and more effective just to take the thing away and do without it.”

“Since this Galaxy began, vast civilisations have risen and fallen, risen and fallen, risen and fallen so often that it's quite tempting to think that life in the Galaxy must be (a) something akin to seasick - space-sick, time sick, history sick or some such thing, and (b) stupid.”

“It wasn't his job to worry about that, though. It was his job to do his job, which was to do his job. If that led to a certain narrowness of vision and circularity of thought then it wasn't his job to worry about such things.”

“All you really need to know for the moment is that the universe is a lot more complicated than you might think, even if you start from a position of thinking it's pretty damn complicated in the first place.”

“Computer, if you don't open that exit hatch this moment I shall zap straight off to your major data banks and reprogram you with a very large axe.”

“I think all cats are wild cats. They just act tame if they think they'll get a saucer of milk out of it.”

“Look, would it save a lot of time if I just gave up and went mad now?”

“Now, either you all give yourselves up now and let us beat you up a bit, though not very much of course because we are firmly opposed to needless violence, or we blow up this entire planet and possibly one or two we noticed on our way out here!”

“Rome wasn't burned in a day.”

“The great thing about being the only species that makes a distinction between right and wrong is that we can make up the rules for ourselves as we go along.”

“The most misleading assumptions are the ones you don't even know you're making.”

“There is probably buried in the Western psyche a deep taboo about eating anything you've been introduced to socially.”

“Totally mad. Utter nonsense. But we'll do it because it's brilliant nonsense.”

“We are not an endangered species ourselves yet, but this is not for lack of trying.”

“Don't you understand that we need to be childish in order to understand? Only a child sees things with perfect clarity, because it hasn't developed all those filters, which prevent us from seeing things that we don't expect to see.”

“If you really want to understand something, the best way is to try and explain it to someone else. That forces you to sort it out in your own mind. And the more slow and dim-witted your pupil, the more you have to break things down into more and more simple ideas. And that's really the essence of programming. By the time you've sorted out a complicated idea into little steps that even a stupid machine can deal with, you've certainly learned something about it yourself. The teacher usually learns more than the pupil does.”

"Time is the worst place, so to speak, to get lost in..."

"...he was at least twice as unbalanced now, and quite liable to fall off whatever it is that well-balanced people are supposed to be balancing on."

"In his dreams he was walking late at night along the East Side, beside the river which had become so extravagantly polluted that new life forms were now emerging from it spontaneously, demanding welfare and voting rights"

"Busy executives often didn’t have time for a full-time wife and family and would just rent them for weekends."

"It was impossible for Arthur to know this, but he just went ahead and knew it anyway."

"I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don't know the answer."

this motherfucker should be shot >_>