Philosophy of Sex

"I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy."
�Tom Clancy

"You know "that look" women get when they want sex? Me neither."
�Steve Martin

"Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don�t have a good partner, you�d better have a good hand."
�Woody Allen

"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night."
�Rodney Dangerfield

"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL."
�Lynn Lavner

"Leaving sex to the feminists is like letting your dog vacation at the taxidermist."
�Matt Barry

"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope."
�Camille Paglia

"Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are unimportant."
�George Burns

"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships."
�Sharon Stone

"My girlfriend always laughs during sex�-no matter what she�s reading."
�Steve Jobs (Founder, Apple Computers)

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."
�Jack Nicholson

"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."
�Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady � and you didn�t think Barbara had a sense of humor)

"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man�s genitals through his wallet."
�Robin Williams

"Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself."
�Roseanne

"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place."
�Billy Crystal

"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful."
�Robert De Niro

"There�s a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what�s the problem?"
�Dustin Hoffman

"There�s very little advice in men�s magazines, because men think, I know what I�m doing. Just show me somebody naked."
�Jerry Seinfeld

"Instead of getting married again, I�m going to find a woman I don�t like and just give her a house."
�Rod Stewart

I was under the weather for my birthday weekend, and I need a redo, lol, Cinco de Mayo Daddy-o here.  Taurus and strong, thick just like the bull. My only request, with offense not meant, is you need to have the lady parts to ride my ride. I play home or away, clean with toys and 420 enthusiast. If you're not close to South Jersey, compliments appreciated. 

26 yo Male for female to plays with kinks.
Homme de 26 ans cherche une femme pour réaliser les fantasmes de l'un et l'autre.

I have a confession, Last week during a regular shift on my ambulance i was working with a new partner she was mediocre in appearance. didn't think much of her but all day she was doing things that kept exciting my Lil man down stairs. i dont know if this was intentional but it was doing the trick as they say. i gave her my cell number so she could text me anytime as we were becoming friends. well i keep my cell nestled between my crotch an seatbelt for safety an so i know when Ive received a text as my phone vibrates. well i guess my partner took to noticing where i conveniently place my phone. so she kept sending me text's until i got enough vibrations i got a hard on. than she proceded to tell me "i wish i had something to vibrate in my crotch." i told her your welcome to put my cell between your thighs an keep texting me. she said "id rather have your hands there." and well i was driving the ambulance back to base. proceeded to run my hand down to her crotch. she was so warm and i instantly wanted to fuk i unzipped her pants and played with her clit till i was able to safely pull into a dark secluded parking lot. where we than both proceeded to the back of the ambulance (it was fully cleaned an de-coned)where she quickly took off her boots and pants and laid on the gurney waiting to recieve me... i however knew i ddnt have any condoms so to stall or atleast give her an orgasm i ate her out like she had nvr been eaten out before she came atleast 3 or 4 times in a row all in a 15 min time period. and right as she was begging for my dik... dispatch keyed the mic. asking us our location, that thank god saved me. but now i got a whole list of problems to deal with: 1. the gurney we fouled around on got broken in a way i wont go into detail about.(i still gota explain that to my supervisor) 2. how im gona break the bad news to my fiance that i cheated on her. 3. i cant get this former partner (named as we havent worked together since) to stop calling and texting me begging for sum more eating out and sex.

Cute 44 yr old ex step dad, looking for family to play with in NJ PA NY DE etc. Real here, no BS. Any single moms or females who like same things as well can respond. Want to meet so be real....lets chat and the play.

Moms, girls into family fun, parents, single moms can respond dads as well if active with daughters.

Good looking 44 yr old here looking for Moms/Females or parents who are into/active with family or were. Would luv to join you or your group. Used to be active with fam too. NJ PA NY MD DE areas prefered but all welcome.

Single Moms/Girls: Are you single and looking for a guy to share your sexual interests with. Contact me lets chat and meet up. Open minded to all taboos as well as family sex play. So lets chat and play.

If you do phone let me know.

Nigger owners manual. A guranteed ROFL...

NIGGER OWNERS MANUAL

Congratulations on your purchase of a brand new nigger! If handled properly, your apeman will give years of valuable, if reluctant, service.

INSTALLING YOUR NIGGER.
You should install your nigger differently according to whether you have purchased the field or house model. Field niggers work best in a serial configuration, i.e. chained together. Chain your nigger to another nigger immediately after unpacking it, and don't even think about taking that chain off, ever. Many niggers start singing as soon as you put a chain on them. This habit can usually be thrashed out of them if nipped in the bud. House niggers work best as standalone units, but should be hobbled or hamstrung to prevent attempts at escape. At this stage, your nigger can also be given a name. Most owners use the same names over and over, since niggers become confused by too much data. Rufus, Rastus, Remus, Toby, Carslisle, Carlton, Hey-You!-Yes-you!, Yeller, Blackstar, and Sambo are all effective names for your new buck nigger. If your nigger is a ho, it should be called Latrelle, L'Tanya, or Jemima. Some owners call their nigger hoes Latrine for a joke. Pearl, Blossom, and Ivory are also righteous names for nigger hoes. These names go straight over your nigger's head, by the way.

CONFIGURING YOUR NIGGER
Owing to a design error, your nigger comes equipped with a tongue and vocal chords. Most niggers can master only a few basic human phrases with this apparatus - "muh dick" being the most popular. However, others make barking, yelping, yapping noises and appear to be in some pain, so you should probably call a vet and have him remove your nigger's tongue. Once de-tongued your nigger will be a lot happier - at least, you won't hear it complaining anywhere near as much. Niggers have nothing interesting to say, anyway. Many owners also castrate their niggers for health reasons (yours, mine, and that of women, not the nigger's). This is strongly recommended, and frankly, it's a mystery why this is not done on the boat

HOUSING YOUR NIGGER.
Your nigger can be accommodated in cages with stout iron bars. Make sure, however, that the bars are wide enough to push pieces of nigger food through. The rule of thumb is, four niggers per square yard of cage. So a fifteen foot by thirty foot nigger cage can accommodate two hundred niggers. You can site a nigger cage anywhere, even on soft ground. Don't worry about your nigger fashioning makeshift shovels out of odd pieces of wood and digging an escape tunnel under the bars of the cage. Niggers never invented the shovel before and they're not about to now. In any case, your nigger is certainly too lazy to attempt escape. As long as the free food holds out, your nigger is living better than it did in Africa, so it will stay put. Buck niggers and hoe niggers can be safely accommodated in the same cage, as bucks never attempt sex with black hoes.

FEEDING YOUR NIGGER.
Your Nigger likes fried chicken, corn bread, and watermelon. You should therefore give it none of these things because its lazy ass almost certainly doesn't deserve it. Instead, feed it on porridge with salt, and creek water. Your nigger will supplement its diet with whatever it finds in the fields, other niggers, etc. Experienced nigger owners sometimes push watermelon slices through the bars of the nigger cage at the end of the day as a treat, but only if all niggers have worked well and nothing has been stolen that day. Mike of the Old Ranch Plantation reports that this last one is a killer, since all niggers steal something almost every single day of their lives. He reports he doesn't have to spend much on free watermelon for his niggers as a result. You should never allow your nigger meal breaks while at work, since if it stops work for more than ten minutes it will need to be retrained. You would be surprised how long it takes to teach a nigger to pick cotton. You really would. Coffee beans? Don't ask. You have no idea.

MAKING YOUR NIGGER WORK.
Niggers are very, very averse to work of any kind. The nigger's most prominent anatomical feature, after all, its oversized buttocks, which have evolved to make it more comfortable for your nigger to sit around all day doing nothing for its entire life. Niggers are often good runners, too, to enable them to sprint quickly in the opposite direction if they see work heading their way. The solution to this is to *dupe* your nigger into working. After installation, encourage it towards the cotton field with blows of a wooden club, fence post, baseball bat, etc., and then tell it that all that cotton belongs to a white man, who won't be back until tomorrow. Your nigger will then frantically compete with the other field niggers to steal as much of that cotton as it can before the white man returns. At the end of the day, return your nigger to its cage and laugh at its stupidity, then repeat the same trick every day indefinitely. Your nigger comes equipped with the standard nigger IQ of 75 and a memory to match, so it will forget this trick overnight. Niggers can start work at around 5am. You should then return to bed and come back at around 10am. Your niggers can then work through until around 10pm or whenever the light fades.

ENTERTAINING YOUR NIGGER.
Your nigger enjoys play, like most animals, so you should play with it regularly. A happy smiling nigger works best. Games niggers enjoy include: 1) A good thrashing: every few days, take your nigger's pants down, hang it up by its heels, and have some of your other niggers thrash it with a club or whip. Your nigger will signal its intense enjoyment by shrieking and sobbing. 2) Lynch the nigger: niggers are cheap and there are millions more where yours came from. So every now and then, push the boat out a bit and lynch a nigger.

Lynchings are best done with a rope over the branch of a tree, and niggers just love to be lynched. It makes them feel special. Make your other niggers watch. They'll be so grateful, they'll work harder for a day or two (and then you can lynch another one). 3) Nigger dragging: Tie your nigger by one wrist to the tow bar on the back of suitable vehicle, then drive away at approximately 50mph. Your nigger's shrieks of enjoyment will be heard for miles. It will shriek until it falls apart. To prolong the fun for the nigger, do *NOT* drag him by his feet, as his head comes off too soon. This is painless for the nigger, but spoils the fun. Always wear a seatbelt and never exceed the speed limit. 4) Playing on the PNL: a variation on (2), except you can lynch your nigger out in the fields, thus saving work time. Niggers enjoy this game best if the PNL is operated by a man in a tall white hood. 5) Hunt the nigger: a variation of Hunt the Slipper, but played outdoors, with Dobermans. WARNING: do not let your Dobermans bite a nigger, as they are highly toxic.

DISPOSAL OF DEAD NIGGERS.
Niggers die on average at around 40, which some might say is 40 years too late, but there you go. Most people prefer their niggers dead, in fact. When yours dies, report the license number of the car that did the drive-by shooting of your nigger. The police will collect the nigger and dispose of it for you.

COMMON PROBLEMS WITH NIGGERS - MY NIGGER IS VERY AGGRESIVE
Have it put down, for god's sake. Who needs an uppity nigger? What are we, short of niggers or something?

MY NIGGER KEEPS RAPING WHITE WOMEN
They all do this. Shorten your nigger's chain so it can't reach any white women, and arm heavily any white women who might go near it.

WILL MY NIGGER ATTACK ME?
Not unless it outnumbers you 20 to 1, and even then, it's not likely. If niggers successfully overthrew their owners, they'd have to sort out their own food. This is probably why nigger uprisings were nonexistent (until some fool gave them rights).

MY NIGGER bitches ABOUT ITS "RIGHTS" AND "RACISM".
Yeah, well, it would. Tell it to shut the fuck up.

MY NIGGER'S HIDE IS A FUNNY COLOR. - WHAT IS THE CORRECT SHADE FOR A NIGGER?
A nigger's skin is actually more or less transparent. That brown color you can see is the shit your nigger is full of. This is why some models of nigger are sold as "The Shitskin".

MY NIGGER ACTS LIKE A NIGGER, BUT IS WHITE.
What you have there is a "wigger". Rough crowd. WOW!

IS THAT LIKE AN ALBINO? ARE THEY RARE?
They're as common as dog shit and about as valuable. In fact, one of them was p******** between 1992 and 2000. Put your wigger in a cage with a few hundred genuine niggers and you'll soon find it stops acting like a nigger. However, leave it in the cage and let the niggers dispose of it. The best thing for any wigger is a dose of TNB.

MY NIGGER SMELLS REALLY BAD
And you were expecting what?

SHOULD I STORE MY DEAD NIGGER?
When you came in here, did you see a sign that said "Dead nigger storage"? .That's because there ain't no goddamn sign.

One random Friday I was sitting in my Chicago apartment drinking a beer and watching TV. Around 7, my phone rang. It was "Karen," one of my booty calls at the time. It was early so I was kinda confused; we normally never called each other until at least midnight, even on weekdays:

Tucker "You drunk already?"
Karen "Hehe. No baby. What are you up to right now?"
Tucker "Nothing. Watching Morimoto make some crazy mushroom cr�me brulee. Battle Porcini on Iron Chef."
Karen "Uhhh, OK. Well...I am going on some silly blind date tonight that my friend set me up on...but I was wondering if I could swing by your place and get a protein shake first?"

Very nice. Karen is obviously making an attempt to move up from Irregular Booty Call to Head Dick Sucker.

Tucker "Yeah, sure. Just come on by. I'll be here."
Karen "Cool. I'll see you soon."
Tucker "Hey baby--bring me some beer."

Not even ten minutes later, she rolled into my place...with a 12 pack of Miller Light. Karen's going to have to learn the difference between good beer and watered down horse piss if she wants to move up in my Ho Hierarchy.

She got right down to business because her date started in less than 30 minutes. I kept watching the Iron Chef, because come on, Morimoto is a genius. Plus, I've seen the show Karen was putting on before. It's really good, but it's been in syndication for months; you don't really need to pay attention till the ending.

I wasn't supposed to meet my friends until 10, so when she left around 8 I just kept drinking at my place. I started thinking about how fucking cool it was that I had a girl coming over to my place to suck me off before she went out on a date. I may not be Hugh Heffner, but I doubt many guys pull something like that off on a regular basis.

Then I started feeling bad for her date. This poor schmuck had no idea that the girl whose chair he was pulling out and buying dinner for and being nice to had her lips wrapped around my cock not even a hour earlier. God forbid if this poor dude kisses her goodnight. I wonder if it'll cross his mind that even with beer breath, her mouth shouldn't taste that salty.

But in a way, I didn't feel that bad for him. You can't make a ho into a housewife, and when you take one out on a date, you aren't helping your chances. I guess some guys never learn.

Of course, he had no idea what she was like; after all, that was the whole point of the date. I guess it just goes to show, you never really can tell...

OH SHIT!!

HOW MANY GIRLS HAVE DONE THIS TO ME??

I shot up from the couch in shock, spilling beer all over myself.

Has this ever happened to me? Have I ever been the sucker that took a girl out after she bought beer for another guy and then blew him?

Oh.My.God--it has to have happened to me. HAS TO. I've been out with so many women, there is just about no way that this hasn't happened to me. And considering the moral fortitude of many of the girls I've hooked up with--suspect at best, wretched prostitute at worst--it is damn near certain that I've been That Guy at least once.

I mean, if Karen does this for me, why not for other guys too? I am pretty fucking cool, but there are other cool guys in the world besides me. Or so my friends tell me. Plus, it's not like I've always known what I now know about women. I could have easily been the sucker many times in my life.

And why stop at dick sucking? How many girls have I slept with that were with other guys the same day as me? Or went from another guy right to me? With out even cleaning up?

I wouldn't even know would I? HOW? HOW THE FUCK WOULD I KNOW? There is no way I could tell, short of smelling the semen on her breath. Would I even smell it? Smell it--WHAT ABOUT TASTE IT?

Oh dear god. Please tell me that I haven't tasted it. I need to go vomit.

I stomped around my apartment for the two hours until I met my friends out. I explained the whole situation to them and they laughed, made fun of me, and told me to get over it. I wasn't having it:

Tucker "How can you be so cavalier about this? This is my mental health at stake! I can't be hooking up with seconds THE SAME DAY. That's for losers and douche bags, NOT Tucker Max!"
Friend "Well apparently not, Sloppy Joe."
Tucker "Aren't you just the comedian?"
Friend Tucker, haven't you done this to girls before? You know, fucked one in the morning, then gone out and picked up another and fucked her?"

This person is no longer my friend. Like I wasn't already mind-fucked enough tonight.

Tucker "SO WHAT? IT'S DIFFERENT!"
Friend "How?"
Tucker "BECAUSE IT'S ME!"
Friend "Wait--didn't you just get YOUR dick sucked tonight? And now you're out trying to get laid?"

Tucker "FUCK YOU!!"
Friend "Dude, it's happened to all of us, and we've all done it to others. Women are women, men are men. This happens to everyone."
Tucker "FUCK THAT. I AM TUCKER MAX. I AM BETTER THAN ALL OF YOU. THIS SHIT DOES NOT HAPPEN TO ME!"
Friend "Oh man; Is it going to be one of those nights with you?"

I drank, and drank, and drank, yet I was still unable to drown the thought that I'd been totally played by multiple women, and didn't even know which ones had done it to me.

That might have been the worst part--not knowing. Well, that and the prospect that I have at some point kissed a girl who still had semen caked to her teeth from 45 minutes ago. I know of at least one ex-girlfriend that cheated on me, but we were long distance and I fucked more than Caligula when I was dating her, so I wasn't pissed about that. But what about all those girls I thought were all wrapped up in me? How many of them fucked other people behind my back? Literally?

What also fucked me up was that women were doing the same thing to me that I was doing to them, except I didn't even know they were doing it. For the entirety of my life up to that point I thought I had the upper hand, that I was the player and not the playee when in fact, I was possibly just another chump. The illusion of control was shattered. Needless to say, this little revelation colored my perspective for the rest of the night. If by "colored my perspective" I mean "totally fucked me up beyond all repair."

Sometimes, too much to drink is still not enough. I needed therapy to bury my anxiety, and alcohol was going to be my counselor. Yes friends, this was going to be one of "those" nights.

At the first bar I went around quizzing girls about how often this sort of thing happens:

Tucker "Let me ask you a question: Have you ever sucked off one guy, then went on a date with another guy right after? Like that same night? Or fucked another guy right after you blew a different guy, but without telling the second one?"

Girl "EXCUSE ME?"
Tucker "Don't play coy with me."

As you can imagine, this made me very popular with the ladies.

At bar two, I ordered at least three rounds of shots in the first ten minutes. I kept making toasts like this one:

"Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
The bitch gave me head,
And some other guy too."

My toasts to cuckoldry got the attention of a group of girls, and they came over to talk to us. My friends, who had not yet consigned all the women of earth to a fiery death and eternal damnation, made up a story about me to explain my behavior. They told the girls that I had just broken up with my girlfriend who I was in love with and to not pay attention to anything I said. It was my first night out and I was bitter and mean. I helped enforce this lie with the toast I gave to the next round of shots:

"This shot feels so good, this shot feels so right,
I can't believe she fucked me and another guy tonight.
To drown my pain, I bought this alcohol at the store,
Because let's face it: All women are whores."

Greased by the bullshit story that I had been dumped, the girls actually thought that I was funny. One of them tried to console me by switching the subject to music. I told her I was a country music fan, which is not even remotely true.

Girl "Really! I like to make up my own lyrics to country music songs. Like, you know that one song, Let's Get Drunk and Screw? I like to pretend the lyrics are Let's Wait in Line for Shoes."
Tucker [I stare blankly at her for a good ten seconds]
Girl [Still trying to be cheery] "Isn't that funny?"
Tucker You are making me stupider."
Girl "What!?!?"
Tucker [Wait for it...wait for it...] "I bet you've sucked miles of dick."
She immediately turned away and as she walked off stuttered, "You're, you're...a JERK!"
Tucker "Have another shot? DON'T MIND IF I DO!"

That pretty much sealed our fate at bar two. Bar three presented some ample targets, but I was still too head fucked to do anything, so my friends planted me at a table and went looking for girls on their own.

After about three seconds I got bored and started wandering around. I snatched some pink drink off the bar as the girl who owned it looked the other way, took a sip, and immediately spit it out. A girl on the other side of me used this to initiate conversation:

Girl "Gross?"
Tucker "Yeah, it tastes like ass."
Girl "I like ass."
Tucker "What's your name?"

Had it been any other night, I would have turned this little gem into a tongue up my ass crack. Not tonight. Tonight, it was only a matter of time before I fucked it up.

Tucker "But be honest--would you ever eat out one guys ass and then come kiss me the same day?"

And I'm spent.

My friends were doing well with this one group of girls and looked to be on the way to hook-up victory...until I decided that I wanted to hear the sound of breaking glass, and we all got kicked out.

We ended up going to a late night club. When we got there, I was so drunk the bouncer almost didn't let me in. My last clear memory is my friend grabbing me at the bar after I ordered a double something, and trying to calm me down:

Friend "Dude, you've had too much. This is bordering on dangerous."
Tucker "The only dangerous amount is none!"
Friend "How many drinks did you have at the last place?"
Tucker "You're counting MY drinks? If you want to act like my liver accountant then you can pay the bill too."
Friend "I PAY YOUR BAR TABS ANYWAY!"
Tucker "I'M FAMOUS--WOMEN CAN'T DO THIS TO ME!"

They sat me in a corner and went back out on the prowl. One or two more drinks later, I decided that I was going to dance. Completely immersed in my indignant self-pity on the dance floor, I found my savior.

In the corner of the club, dancing alone, I found the person that I could trust. I found my one. My soul mate. The person who would never betray me and who would love me forever and never fuck anyone else behind my back without telling me.

This was the most gorgeous person I had ever seen. Piercing blue eyes and sandy blond hair. Great body. A deep, penetrating stare that belied a wisdom and understanding beyond the average person. Great charisma. And we had immediate chemistry.

I danced with them for an hour, giving them seductive looks, coyly flirting with them, seductively telling them how much I cared about them. And they responded to everything I offered by offering it back. Every smile was met with a smile, every caress with an equal response.

In my eyes, I finally found someone that I was in love with.

I was too drunk to realize this at the time, but my friends were watching me the whole time...and all they saw was me dancing in front of a huge mirror.

With myself.

And no one else within 10 feet of me.

Let me emphasize: I was so drunk, I was dancing WITH MYSELF in the mirror. For AN HOUR. NO ONE was near me.

Not only did I never once realize it, the only thing I remembered the next morning from that club was thinking that I'd fallen in love. For real, it took several of them to convince me that I was dancing alone, and not with the most amazing girl I'd ever met.

My friends also told me that later when the lights came on indicating closing time, I staggered out of the club onto the street, ran away from them, and their last sight was me careening down the street, bouncing off store fronts and parked cars, yelling:

"IF YOU WANT TO GO OUT ON A DATE WITH ME, YOU CANNOT FELLATE ANYONE ELSE FOR AT LEAST TWENTY-FOUR HOURS BEFOREHAND! DO YOU HEAR ME?? AND I WANT YOU TO SHOWER TOO! I HAVE STANDARDS!! BECAUSE I AM NOT A DOUCHE, YOU HAVE TO DOUCHE!!"

Now THAT is Tucker Max Drunk.

But unfortunately, Tucker Max Drunk is not free. At some point the bill comes due. How expensive is it? Let's tally the total:

You know it's been a hard night when you wake up totally dehydrated and still dizzy.

You know it's been a really hard night when you wake up dehydrated, drunk and dizzy and don't know where you are and have no memory of how you got there.

But it is only when waking from a truly Tucker Max Drunk night that you are completely dehydrated, still very drunk, too dizzy to stand, and though you don't know your exact location or how you got there, you do realize that you have just woken up OUTSIDE, in a PUBLIC PARK, with a stray dog LICKING YOUR FACE.

Raise your hand if you've ever had that happen to you.

I clawed my way to a park bench, pulled myself up onto it, and saw a huge Tin Man statue. For a split second, I honestly thought I'd died and hell was sponsored by Warner Brothers. That was a bit of a shock, because I'd always thought Disney would rule hell. Then I remembered: I lived right by a park called Oz Park, though until this moment it had not occurred to me where it got it's name.

Encouraged by the fact that I was close to my apartment, I started walking. After falling a few times and finally getting that damn dog to stop licking my face and following me, I found a street name I recognized, and followed it back to my apartment.

I was so concerned with keeping my balance and navigating correctly, I didn't really notice till I got home that my face and scalp were itching something terrible.

I was reaching up to discover the source of this itch as I stumbled in my door. My roommate took one look at me, audibly gasped and got that "Oh my god" face I've seen so many times. He usually lets out a laugh when he sees the after effects of one of my binges, but this time he was so shocked he could only cover his mouth, point and utter, "Go look in the mirror."

I felt my face, and there was definitely something sticky and hard crusted onto it. Thinking that it was possibly blood and I had sustained a head injury, I rushed to the bathroom, and there in mirror was rock bottom:

The "love of my life" stared back at me with a face covered in hardened, crusted vomit. Yellow and brown bile matted my hair, chunks were in my eyebrows and ears, my cheek and neck even had pieces of grass stuck in the vomit crust. I looked like some sort of botched special effect. So much for being too good for whores' sloppy seconds.

But the piece de resistance lay on the top of my head, at the edge of the crusted vomit, precariously stuck to my hair, still stuck to the vomit:

A small, dry, hardened dog turd.

POST SCRIPT

The repercussions of that night did not end there. First off, my (now ex-) roommate will call me shit-head for the rest of my life, and I deserve it.

Secondly, my friends rode me endlessly about dancing with myself in a mirror. I still don't know if I believe them though, because I could SWEAR it was a girl I was dancing with, and I thought I even kissed her. Oh well, let's hope I don't stare into a reflective body of water anytime soon.

But more importantly, I will never look at women the same way. Ever. This event, combined with a story my friend told me right after that about his ex-girlfriend letting herself get fucked by three Mexicans in front of him to get even for him cheating on her totally ruined me. Now, every time I look at or talk to a woman, I can't help but think to myself, "Has she already sucked a dick today? How recent was her last migrant worker gang-bang?"

Granted, I've done horrible stuff also, but anyone in the world can read this site and know what I've done. It's the not knowing that really messes with me. What fucks me up is to think that first dates or even other girls I'm casually dating are fucking around on me, and not even just on other days, but right before they see me. I don't really go on dates anymore since I learned that you don't need to spend money to get pussy, but when I did, I have to wonder how many girls came out with sperm breath. And how many of those did I kiss? And even now I wonder how many women have I met out at a bar who fucked a guy before going out, and then went home with me?

I talked to all my female friends about this, and the response was varied.

-The dumb ones were like, "Ohhhh--can I come over and suck you off too?" Yes you may. And bring beer.

-The na�ve ones were like, "A girl came over and sucked your dick before a date?? No girl does that!!" Riiiiight...and you've never had a boyfriend cheat on you. Go back to reading books you buy at the grocery store with Fabio on the cover and leave reality to the rest of us.

-I finally got some usable feedback from my smart female friends. Most of them were like, "This is news to you? That there are women who do what you do? Tucker, I thought you were smarter than this." Thanks for making me feel better.

One friend in particular summed it up: "At least you had this realization. Most guys go through life being blissfully ignorant. My girlfriends who juggle a lot of guys are the ones who don't give off any slutty vibe...which is how they totally get away with it. Every guy they are with thinks they've got the perfect situation--a sweet girl who comes over at midnight once or twice a week because that's all she wants. They don't understand that she's got the same perfect arrangement with four other guys."

I futilely tried to maintain that giving me head was so good that women actually wanted to do it and didn't care about getting anything back, but she just laughed. And she's right to laugh.

Not that sucking my dick is some chore--believe me I WISH I could go down on myself--but the idea that any guy is so much better than other guys that he is above the cuckoldry of a woman is ridiculous on face. Believe me guys: No matter how good you are, some girl has played you...and you probably didn't even realize it.

Don't think about this question for too long fellas, or it will drive you nuts. I fixated on it for a whole night and ended up dancing with myself in a mirror for an hour and then woke up in a public park with vomit crusted to my face and dog shit stuck to my head--trust me on this.

And the VERY best part? Karen and I never hooked up again. She ended up seriously dating the guy she met that night.

And he still doesn't know what was on her lips when they met...

Today I was driving down interstate 35 from Minnesota into Iowa. I stopped at a rest area a few miles north of Clear Lake, IA. It was a 'parking only' rest stop with no restrooms and I had to take a leak. So I headed toward the woods and saw a trail leading back into the trees. I went about 30 feet down the trail and did my business. As I was zipping up I heard some noise. I looked around and didn't see anything so I crept further down the trail and around a corner. I saw a couple fucking on a blanket in the woods and they looked to be about late 20's. I watched for awhile and it didn't take long to get my hard cock out and start stroking. The guy saw me and kind of nodded so I moved a few feet closer. Then the girl tipped her head back and watched me as I stroked myself. I got bolder and walked right up to them and watched them fuck. It seemed to excite them to have an audience. I moved up until I was just a few feet away and he fucked her hard as I was stroking right over her face. She reached a hand up and I took that as my cue to kneel over her face. She grabbed my cock and stroked a few times before pulling me forward until she started sucking me. As she started to cum I couldn't hold back anymore and shot a load straight down her throat and the guy pulled out and shot all over her belly. I told them where I'd be staying in a hotel in Des Moines and said I'd be happy to take them out if they wanted to play some more. Never heard from them.