So last night I was prayin for deliverance and I kid you not, Jesus Fucking Christ (scrappy little brother to Jesus H. Christ, The Son of Man and Holy Lamb of God) came right through the rusted wall of my trailer and sat his glowing white ass own on my bed, right beside where I was kneeling. At first I thought it was my dead pop come back to life, so I reflexively reached for his cock since I was already down on my knees. But Mr. Christ gently pushed my hand away and said I didn't need to do that shit no more because he was gonna give me a real job.

So I thought wow this sounds perty interesting. Maybe he'll make me the fucking CEO of Mountain Dew or the Moon Pie company, or gimme my own taco wagon or whatnot. Anyways, so I says, yessir Mr. Christ, my dear Lord, I'm listening and sorry for grabbin your very big and powerful dick (I immediately pologized and said penis). What kinda job is you talkin about?

So get this, he wants me to go to fuckin flight school and learn how to fly them big fucking jet planes like what them motherfucking Arabs used to attack the US of A back all them years ago! I just looked at him and said what? He says, and this is a direct motherfucking quote, he says don't be such a cocksucking little sissy. Look, pussy, I put you here and I'll take you out. Your life is already one miserable faggoty failure after another and I am offering you a chance to have the real fame and fortune you have so far only seen in your wet fucking dreams. You in or you out, boy?

So what the fuck am I supposed to do now? He wants me to fly the thing into some super tall building in motherfucking Dubiey or some such wasteland in muslimville. He said the only way to send those goat fucking infidels (his words, not mine) a righteous message was to fly my plane into some building they have that's supposedly the tallest in the world. I thought that was the statue of liberty but whatever.

Anyways, so I says how is that dumbass plan supposed to make me rich? Famous I can see, but how is you gonna make me rich if I'm fried up like a crispy chicken nugget?

He just looks right into my one good eye and mutters some crap about riches in heaven and whatnot and when I start to call bullshit on that he just whips out his huge fuckin jesus cock and shoves it in my mouth. I been coughing up holy cum ever since.

Now I fucking start flight school in Florida in two weeks. I ain't never prayin again, I tell you what.

Does anyone else have a wife or a girlfriend with a messed up sexual past? I’ve known for some time that my wife and her ex fiancé had some wild sexual experiences but never really talked much with her about it until lately. After she’s told me some details I think daily about Using her in the same way and sometimes even more.

We were discussing some of the crazy sexual things we did in college like fucking on a golf course and a three some I had once with a buddy and his GF. I brought up her telling me about the time she had sex with a porn star. Which was pretty much the only thing I knew and the only time she told me she’d ever had a girl on girl action. Then she drops the nugget the she was actually at a swingers party or something like that and when she was with this girl they were in a room in a mansion in Hollywood while other people watched. Blown away and somewhat turned on I asked her more and if that was the wildest thing she’s ever done. She then tells me her first experience at a party like this her Ex Got her really drunk and what she thought what would be masquerade what is one of those eyes wide shut party‘s with an orgy. She told me she was uncomfortable but at the alcohol and her exes encouragement she gave it a go.It was odd because she didn’t tell the story as if it was a really bad experience I mean she didn’t seem to like it but nothing that seem to be too bad. I asked her why she stopped or if anything bad ever happened she said no and then told me this story.

On a company trip to Mexico her ex had won a suite for the night. She told me the whole night was a celebration and that he was pushing to go to a strip club but she didn’t feel comfortable doing so in Mexico. In the end of the night she tells me that he say something to her along the lines of dyou see that couple I want you to go invite them back with you. Another couple staying at the hotel a bit older and from Mexico and also conveniently in the other suite that they had seen earlier in the pool. She said she didn’t want to but that it was pretty obvious her fiancé had been flirting with them all night. The four of them went back to the other couples hotel room where to her surprise a sex swing was hanging in the Doorway to the on suite. So then she tells me “I Rightaway said no I don’t want to do that but the other couple particularly the wife forced her willingly into the swing face down ass up. Her ex pulled his pants down and put his dick in her face she said she started sucking him but that it was pretty rough because she was hanging in the swing. She started to get a little emotional and told me that the older Hispanic guy who at the time had been alone with his wifeWalked over and put his dick alongside her fiancé’s while she sucked both. She said she didn’t know what to do as she watched her ex get on his knees and suck the other guys dick inches away from her face. It got much worse from there when the ramming started. She can’t have kids so one plus is that you can come inside of her and I guess they both took turns doing just that while she hung in the swing. After she got out the other woman climbed in on her back and she watched as the two guys did the same thing sucked each other and fucked their wives. She told me after that she never had another threesome again but Wwell see.

Im a fat ugly pig.

I had a fuck buddy situation with a guy who couldnt bear to look at me, but he used to love making me feel bad about my weight and humiliating me. He used to make me go on the tube in clothes that were too small and laugh when people gave their seat up for me thinking i was pregnant. He also used to make me wear tight tops and short skirts with no underwear in public.

One day he told me this was getting boring, he wanted to take me to a restaurant. I stupidly thought this meant his attitude was changing towards me.

He still made me wear tight clothes and no underwear and when we sat down he told me what to order. It was a lot of food. Two mains and a lot of side dishes.

When the waiter came I dutifully ordered what he had told me and he said loudly "No wonder youre so fat"

Thats when I realised this was just a new game. Next he told me I wasnt allowed to use cutlery and had to eat as quickly as possible so i ended up spilling food down my top and over my face. Again, when the waiter was there he said, "youre such a fucking slob"

This wasnt very different from what had usually happened so I could deal but what happened next was past the cruelty I thought he was capable of.

A group of two lads and one lass came in and said hello to him. He took them away to a different table and told me to stay there and finish my food and his. I could hear them talking about me saying "is that her?" and laughing, one of his friend said he thought id at least have a pretty face. He answered saying the only reason he wasted his time on me was because I did whatever he said.

I sat there alone eating for an hour while him and his friends chatted and the girl he was with flirted. She kept saying things like "I just dont see the appeal, plenty of thin good looking girls are dirty"

After about an hour and a half he left with the girl and said his friends would bring me back to his when they had finished eating but I had to do whatever they said.

I thought I would have to have sex with them and I was expecting it from when they walked in but they were more sadistic than that.

My stomach was huge from eating so much and they made me pull my top up so it was bulging out as we walked out of the restaurant. When we got to the car I went to get in the back but the one who wasnt driving insisted i get in the front passenger seat at first I thought he was trying to be chivalrous until they told me to take my top off and pull my skirt up so my cunt was showing. Then they drove me to a Mcdonalds drive thru and told me to jiggle my belly while they ordered milkshakes and a 20 box of nuggets. It was the most humiliating experience of my life, until then.

They parked up in the carpark and poured the milkshake over my head and then made me spread my legs and see how many nuggets I could fit in my cunt. It was 12. They videoed me and kept asking me if I felt proud.

We got to Tommys house and I had to be showered down becuase of the milkshake all over me and eat any nuggets that came out while I was moving.

He was in bed with the pretty girl and was mad that they had brought me back to his house.The girl was being bitchy and saying "if youd rather have THAT here then ill leave"

Long story short he made me lie face down while he fucked her on top of me then made me lick her arsehole while he ate her out.

It was the worst day of my life but the most sexually satisfactory at the same time.

I have been looking for years, but have never been able to find a video I heard about a long time ago. It's called "nugget porn". Basically the video is of a man and woman, who both have had their arms and legs amputated, and some guy just lays them by each other and they fuck. It doesn't sound sexy or hot to me at all, but just the shear bizarreness and hilarity ofit intrigues me. Has anyone seen this, or know where I can find it? It is my holy grail, and I am on a quest.

I have been looking for years, but have never been able to find a video I heard about a long time ago. It's called "nugget porn". Basically the video is of a man and woman, who both have had their arms and legs amputated, and some guy just lays them by each other and they fuck. It doesn't sound sexy or hot to me at all, but just the shear bizarreness and hilarity of it intrigues me. Has anyone seen this, or know where I can find it? It is my holy grail, and I am on a quest.

I'm looking for a video I saw on here about a year ago. I've tried searching for it in the past but I remember not finding it. It reached the front page of most viewed or something when it was uploaded. Anyway, it went something like this:

Two girls, they were friends. Both around 18, sitting on a single bed in their bedroom. One was skinny, the other slightly chubbier and taller but still slim. The video was maybe 30 minutes long.

They were chatting to someone on cams, at the end of the video they start making out. I think I remember at one point someone calls on one of the girls and she leaves the room for about 5 minutes.

That's all the information I have, find this and I will shower you with nuggets of pure gratitude!

A dog Named 'Sex'

When people buy a dog, they usually name him something like Rover or Bowser. Well I chose to name my dog "Sex". But lately Sex has been a little embarrassing to me.

I remember one day I took Sex to City Hall to get a license for him. I went up to the clerk and said "I would like to have a license for Sex". He said he would like to have one too. I said "You don't understand, I've had Sex since I was nine years old". He said I must have been quite a kid.

Last year they were auditioning dogs for a commercial on dog food. I took Sex to the studio to see if he would get the part. But suddenly Sex started to run off around the studio. I went after him, but the crew manager grabbed my arm and asked what I was doing here. I told him I was hoping to have Sex on TV. He called me a showoff.

One day Sex ran out on me in the middle of the night. I went around the neighborhood looking for him. A cop came and asked what I was doing. I told him I was looking for Sex. My case comes up this Friday...

================

Baked Beans

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a maddening passion for baked beans. He loved then. but he always had a very embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction to them. Then, one day, he met a girl and fell in love with her. When it was apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, she is a sweet and gentle girl and will never go for this kind of carrying on. So, he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up the beans. The were married thereafter. Some months later, his car broke down on the way home from work and since they lived in the country, he called her and told her that he would be late getting home because he had to walk. On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the odour of freshly baked beans was overwhelming. Since he still had several miles to walk, he figured that he would work off any effects before reaching home, so he stopped at the cafe. Before leaving, he had eaten three large orders of baked beans. All the way home, he put-putted and after arriving, felt reasonably sure that he had putted his last. His wife seemed somewhat agitated and excited to see him and exclaimed: Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for dinner

tonight. She then blindfolded him and led him to his chair at the head of the table. He seated himself and just as she was ready to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She made him vow that he would not touch the blindfold until she returned. Then she went to answer the phone. Seizing the opportunity, he shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but as ripe as a rotten egg. He took the napkin from his lap and vigorously fanned the air around him.

Things had just about returned to normal, when he felt the urge come on again, so he shifted his weight to the other leg and let go again. This was a true prize winner. While keeping his ear on the phone, he went on like this for 10 minutes, until he knew the phone farewell indicated the end of his freedom. He placed the napkin in his lap and folded his hands on top of it and smiling contently to himself was the perfect picture on innocence. When his wife returned she asked if he had peeked and he said no. At that point, she removed the blindfold

and revealed his surprise.

Twelve dinner guests seated around the table for a birthday party for him.

====================================

Gold dig

In a mining district, Mrs. Brown presented her husband with a 12 pound baby boy. Mr. Brown was so delighted that he went to the newspaper office and told them that he had found a 12 pound gold nugget, as pure as any in America. Naturally, the newspaper sent a reporter to the house to get the story, as anyone would do, and everyone was prospecting for gold in the little town. This is what happened.

Reporter: "Does Mr. Brown live here?
She: "He does."
He: "Is he in?"
She: "No."
He: "I understand that he found a nugget of gold weighing 12 pounds."
She: (Seeing the joke) "Yes, he found one."
He: "Can you show me the spot where he found it?"
She: "I'm afraid Mr. Brown would object as it is private."
He: "Is the hole very far from here?"
She: "No, it is quite near."
He: "Has Mr. Brown been working the claim long?"
She: "No, only about ten months."
He: "Has he reached the bottom yet?"
She: "No, but he is very near."
He: "Was Mr. Brown the first to work it?"
She: "Well, he thinks he was."
He: "Has he been working the claim regularly since he found it?"
She: "No, but I told him last night it was time to start again."
He: "I suppose he works it secretly?"
She: "Yes, mostly every night."
He: "Do you help him?"
She: "I do my best."
He: "Do you think he will sell the claim?"
She: "I doubt it, he gets so much pleasure out of working it."
He: "Did he blast it out with nitroglycerine?"
She: "No, he used Vaseline and kept digging."
He: "Has he widened the hole any?"
She: "Yes, a little."
He: "How big is the hole?"
She: "Well, about normal size, I suppose."
He: "Is he going to improve the mine any?"
She: "Yes, he said he was going to white wash the shaft tonight."
He: "Does he work alone at night?"
She: "No, I hold it for him and we split 50/50."
He: "Is he an expert at it?"
She: "Well, he does good work."
He: "Would you mind showing me the gold nugget?"
She: "Certainly." (Then she brought out the 12 pound baby boy and they carried the reporter to the hospital.)

====================================

How to Kill a South Dakota Eel

Little Johnny was 11 years old, and like other boys his age, rather curious. He had been hearing quite a bit about courting from the other boys, and he wondered what it was and how it was done.

One day he took his questions to his mother who became flustered. Instead of explaining things to Johnny, she told him to hide behind the curtain one night and watch his older sister and her boyfriend. This he did the following morning. Here is what Johnny described to his mother:

"Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for a while, then he turned off most of the lights. Then he started kissing and hugging her. I figured sis must be getting sick, because her face started to look funny. He must have thought so too, because he put his hand inside her blouse to feel her heart, just like a doctor would except he is not as smart as the doctor because he seemed to have trouble finding her heart. Sis must have put some bigger fruit under her blouse this time because her boyfriend kept on saying how they were the largest melons he had ever felt. He must of gotten real hungry from all that kissing and stuff because she let him take off her blouse and suck on both of them for a long time."

"Then he started getting sick too, because pretty soon both of them were panting and getting all out of breath. His other hand must have been getting cold, because he put it under her skirt. About this time, sis got worse and began to moan and sigh and squirm around and slide down toward the end of the couch. Then this was when the fever really started. I knew it was a fever because sis told him she felt really hot. Finally I found out what was making them so sick. A big eel had gotten in his pants somehow. It just jumped out of his pants and stood there about 12 inches long! Honest! Anyway, he grabbed it in one hand to keep it from getting away. When sis saw it, she really got scared. Her eyes got big and her mouth fell open and she started calling out to God and stuff like that. She said it was the biggest one she had ever seen. I should have told her about the one at the lake. Anyway, sis got brave and tried to kill it by biting its head off. All of a sudden she made a noise and let the eel go. I guess it bit her. Then she grabbed it with both hands and held it tight while he got a muzzle out of his pocket. He slipped it over the eel's head to keep it from biting her again. Sis laid back and spread her legs so she could get a scissor lock on it, and he helped by laying on top of the eel. The eel put up a hell of a fight! Sis started groaning and squealing and her boyfriend almost upset the couch. I guess they wanted to kill the eel by squashing it between them. They must have been getting shocked by the eel because they were shaking a lot. After awhile, they both quit moving and gave a great sigh. Her boyfriend got up, and sure enough, they had killed the eel. I knew it was dead because it just hung there limp, and some of the insides were hanging out. Sis and her boyfriend were tired from the fight, but they went back to courting anyway. He started hugging and kissing her again, and by golly, the eel was not dead! It jumped straight up and started to fight again. I guess eels are like cats; they have nine lives or something. This time, sis jumped on it and tried to kill the eel by sitting on it. After a long fight, they finally killed the eel. I knew it was dead because I saw sis's boyfriend peel its skin off and flush it down the toilet."

====================================

Barbara Walters at the Indian Reservation

Barbara Walters is doing an editorial on Indian life on the

reservation. She looks around and sees that some of the men have one

feather, some have two and the chief has feathers all the way down to

the ground.

So she asks a young brave, "What do the feathers mean, some of you have

one, some have two and the chief must have hundreds!" The young brave

replies, "Each feather is for each squaw we have sex with!"

To which Barbara Walters replies, "Come on, I don't believe that!" She then goes to the chief and repeats the question, "What do the feathers mean, some of you have one, some have two and the you must have hundreds!"

The chief replies, "It's true, each feather is for each squaw we have sex with!" Astonished, Barbara exclaims again, "But you have hundreds!" The chief replies, "Me chief, me fuck em all, big, fat, skinny, tall, me chief me fuck em all!"

Barbara exclaims, "You should be hung!" The chief replies, "Me hung, big like buffalo, long like snake!" "Oh dear!", exclaims Barbara. To which the chief replies, "No fuck deer, asshole too high, run to fast!"

Hope you enjoy this one, it's much better told verbally.

================

Law as it should be

One evening after attending the theatre, two gentlemen were walking down the avenue when they

observed a rather well dressed and attractive lady walking just ahead of them. One of the men

turned to the other and remarked, "I'd give $50.00 to spend the night with this woman." To their

surprise the young lady overheard the remark and turning around she said, "I'll take you up on

that." She had a pleasant voice and a neat appearance, so, after bidding his companion good

night, the man accompanied the lady to her apartment, where they immediately went to her

apartment where they immediately went to bed.

The following morning the man presented her with $25.00. As he prepared to leave she demanded the

rest of the money stating "If you don't give me the money I'll sue you for it." He laughed saying

"I'd like to see you get it on these grounds."

The next day he was surprised when he received a summons ordering his presence in court as

defendant in a law suit. He hurried to his lawyer and explained the details of the case. His

lawyer said: "She can't possibly get a judgement against you on such grounds, but it will be

interesting to see how her case will be presented."

In court after the usual preliminaries, the lady's lawyer addressed the court as follows: "Your

Honour, my client, this lady here, is the owner of a piece of property, a garden spot surrounded

by a profuse growth of shrubbery, property she agreed to rent to the defendant for a specific

length of time for the sum of $50.00. The defendant took possession of the property, used it

extensively for the purpose for which it was rented, but upon evacuating the premises he paid

only $25.00 which is only half the amount agreed upon. The rent was not excessive, since it is

restricted property, and we ask judgement to be granted against the defendant to assure payment

of the balance."

The defendant's lawyer was impressed and amused at the way the opponent had presented the case.

His defense, therefore, was somewhat altered from the way he originally planned to present it.

"Your Honour, my client agrees that the young lady has a fine piece of property, that he did rent

such property for a time and a degree of pleasure was derived from the transaction. However, my

client found a well on the property, around which he placed his stones, sunk a shaft and erected

a pump, all labour being performed personally by him. We claim these improvements to the property

adequately compensated for rental of said property. We therefore, ask judgement be not granted."

The young lady's lawyer come back was this: "Your Honour: My client agrees that the defendant did

find a well on her property and that he did make improvements such as my opponent has described.

However, had the defendant not known the well existed, he would never have rented the property,

also, upon evacuating the premises, the defendant removed the stones, pulled out the shaft and

took the pump with him. In doing so, he not only dragged the equipment through the shrubbery, but

left the hole much larger than it was prior to his occupancy, making it easily accessible to

little children. We therefore, ask that judgement be granted."

The judge's decision was that the defendant should either pay the plaintiff the $25.00 balance,

or, failing that, that the defendant should detach the aforementioned equipment and present it to

plaintiff for damages.

The man hurriedly wrote out a check for $25.00 to the young lady.

Case dismissed.

=============

The Old Boat

Joe and John were identical twins. Joe owned an old dilapidated
boat and kept pretty much to himself. One day he rented out his
boat to a group of out-of-staters who ended up sinking it. He
spent all day trying to salvage as much stuff as he could from
the sunken vessel and was out of touch all that day and most of
the evening. Unbeknownst to him, his brother John's wife had died
suddenly in his absence.

When he got back on shore he went into town to pick up a few
things at the grocery. A kind old woman there mistook him for
John and said, "I'm so sorry for your loss. You must feel
terrible."

Joe, thinking she was talking about his boat said, "Hell no!
Fact is I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old
thing from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she
smelled like old dead fish. She was always holding water. She had
a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too.
Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like
crazy."

"I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to
those four guys looking for a good time. I warned them that she
wasn't very good and that she smelled bad. But they wanted her
anyway. The damn fools tried to get in her all at one time and
she split right up the middle."

The old woman fainted.

I fucking hate niggers. I work at wendys and one of the niggers there is a gay guy and is fucking lazy. Im going to beat the gayness out of him one day. Niggers that go up there are the cheapest sons of a bitches.. If its more than 99 cents,, they dont want it. They pay in change and wadded up dollar bills. They get the cheapest items, and want everything made "fresh" or "hot" they wait 4 minutes for an order of nuggets. Just ONE order. Thats 5 nuggets... Why are niggers so annoying?!!?

Looks like some douche nugget is spamming the crap out of the boards again. This time wanting people to go to some site and add them and their email.

Totally seems legit though.

Just hoping an admin can toss his ass.

Thanks in advance

Yesterday, my wife and I went to Mickey Dees for lunch. Her choice, not mine. We sat near the back of the place, in a booth near the indoor playland. I had my back to the playland, so I was seated facing the front of the store, and I noticed across the aisle and one booth up a woman intently watching the playland area. Just as she bolts out of her booth, 3 kids come running out of the play area, giggling and talking about a boy playing with himself.

The next thing I see is the woman coming back with this boy, dragging him by his right arm while he is stroking himself through his shorts with his left hand. She pushes him into the booth, she sits next to him so he can't get out, and as she's getting his food out for him he's now pulled his shorts down with his left hand, and is stroking himself with his right hand.

From the looks of it, the boy has some developmental issues. I'd guess he was probably X or XI, and just hitting puberty. His cock was almost completely enclosed by his hand, but he was hard as a rock. When his mother notices what he's doing, she pulls his hand away, and he starts this loud half-moan-half-scream.

I'm still eating, but intently watching what's going on, half listening to my wife droning on about work. I watch as the woman puts a chicken nugget into the boys hand, which he starts to eat, but still he's making that awful noise while trying to eat. Suddenly the noise stops, and the woman looks relieved, but she doesn't see that the boy is now wanking with his left hand. She pushes his drink in front of him, but he won't pick it up and that's when she notices what he's doing. She reaches down, takes his left hand and puts it around his drink. He takes a sip, then starts that moaning screaming again.

At this point, she hasn't bothered to pull his shorts up, and his little hard on is throbbing. She starts looking around, and notices some people near the front are looking back at her. A look of sadness and resignation crosses her face, and she reaches down with her left hand, feels for the boys cock, and slowly starts stroking him.

I about choke on my fries when I see this. She is slowly masturbating him, while he's having his lunch, but he's finally stopped making that noise. Well, I did start choking a bit, and coughed a couple times and took a drink, and that's when the woman noticed my wife and I back there. She looked horrified. I made no attempt to stop looking, because watching her stroke, presumably, her son, had given me a raging hard on. It wasn't because she was hot, or had big tits, it was because she was stroking that kid in a booth in public.

My wife finally notices I'm looking back, she turns to see I'm looking at the woman and the boy, and she says to me "It must be hard raising an autistic child," then she goes back to eating. I keep watching the woman, who eyes look to be brimming with tears, as she keeps jacking the boy. He finally finishes his food, but she keeps stroking him while looking at me. When the boy finally cums, it's not forceful but just a slow dribble that coats her fingers. She wipes her hand clean with a few napkins. By the time she's done, the boy has fallen asleep, and she pulls his shorts up. My wife and I soon leave, and I'm no longer watching.

Yawn... is it that time already... lucky for the European mob, we get em from 16. my latest one was found blowing out her 16 birthday candles, all it took was a ding dong little lady while moon walking past her, Next thing she's swimming lockness on her BMX following me to my Castle. I was just about to say do one little girl, when i noticed she was a twin.
I've grown very fond of the way they sit on my shoulders playing, rock-paper-scissors in there hello kitty underwear, It's a thankless task learning them how to be grown ups..But the fact they shit cold nuggets just tipped the balance ahead of my dried up wrinkly wife, so am gonna keep em
Yawn....Must be past my bed time by now.... I would share the nudes they take of each other every day but I dont think PC plod would be best pleased