BDSM Discussion Group Forum thoughts from a virgin
neutrinodreams2
Group Member
•
Jun 3rd 2016
I have a lot of things to talk about. Like I said on the shout thread, I'm a 38 year old virgin who is interested in sex but is searching for meaningful relationships. I've been in love but the other person never feels the same; something will happen that causes her to find out, and she either wants to be just platonic friends or she wishes never to hear from me again.
And also like I said on the shout thread, I know I have some degree of interest in BDSM because when I was kicked and punched by women when sparring in martial arts, I enjoyed it. I liked feeling their power go into me. I also enjoyed what in Korean Martial Arts (I did ITF Taekwondo) is called "hosinsul" -- grappling and counter-grappling (mainly for self defense situations such as if you're being mugged or kidnapped). For example when a woman would have me in an arm lock, or was performing small joint manipulation on me, I enjoyed it.
Yet, when I watch videos regarding BDSM, or rough sex, or simulated rape or the like on here, I typically imagine myself doing those things to someone else, not having them done to me. I feel aroused seeing the woman in bondage and struggling. And I am aroused by the thought of being able to hold someone down against their resistance while going inside of them (assuming they consented to this, of course). So I may be a "switch" or even a "dominant". But if I am the latter, I would be a "softer" form of it. I feel some hesitation when I see women being slapped and called names while they are doing this stuff.
The example I often I use is "face fucking". Many guys will do that and call the girl names, or punch her in the face, etc. I would not do that. If I were to do "face fucking", I would do it gently for a few seconds -- not so long that she clearly is having trouble breathing -- and then pull out, and ask if she is ok, and kiss her on the cheek before continuing. I saw a video where a woman was being face fucked, and another man was ejaculating on her face at the same time, and the woman was saying that the semen all over her face was stinging her eyes, and she was waving them away and asking for a towel, and they were calling her a bitch and a whore, etc. And she was saying it wasn't funny and that she was serious and they were still treating her like garbage. I wanted to hug her and kiss her on the cheek and give her a towel. So there's a lot of extreme domination and some actual misogyny on here, and the latter I definitely would not support.
I was talking to a guy on IMDB (internet movie database) in private, after having said on the public IMDB forum that 50 Shades of Grey, the movie, was erotic for me, but that I'm still a virgin lol. He said he knew of some parties in the Bay Area where he could get me invited if I wanted to. I told him I wasn't in that place emotionally yet. I guess I don't know how to do the things I'm interested in and have that emotional depth if I didn't develop a relationship first...and yet, how are you going to know the people are into it before you develop that, unless you sought out people who are into the perverted things that people are into on this web site? :)
I was talking to a guy in the chat (on this web site) who has been involved in swinging and polyamory. I asked him how do you get into a meaningful relationship involving that type of stuff, and how can it be meaningful if you don't have romantic feelings for them at first? He was saying it might start out casual but you can build meaning over time. So I might be getting closer to where I would want to go a bdsm party type thing. The other factor is that I have some degree of social anxiety and therefore parties are hard for me.
But, I am definitely coming around to the idea of having sex with a friend but not necessarily being in love with them. I have always wanted sex to develop from friendship, but originally I only wanted it to develop if I had developed romantic feelings. I am starting to see that maybe I could have casual sex with a friend, and maybe the relationship would remain platonic but sometimes be expressed through sex. Like a "friend with benefits" (as opposed to a "fuck buddy"). Several years ago, I would have been opposed to FWB because I would say if you are just friends you shouldn't be sleeping together, but as always my thoughts and feelings are evolving. A few people have approached me about that on facebook. I told all of them I'm interested in it; they all live far from me, though. But I feel like we could potentially become very close friends if we did that, even if it never evolves beyond friendship. Actually in the case of two of these friends, it would never evolve beyond friendship because they are lesbians. But anyway I think it is a good idea.
And also like I said on the shout thread, I know I have some degree of interest in BDSM because when I was kicked and punched by women when sparring in martial arts, I enjoyed it. I liked feeling their power go into me. I also enjoyed what in Korean Martial Arts (I did ITF Taekwondo) is called "hosinsul" -- grappling and counter-grappling (mainly for self defense situations such as if you're being mugged or kidnapped). For example when a woman would have me in an arm lock, or was performing small joint manipulation on me, I enjoyed it.
Yet, when I watch videos regarding BDSM, or rough sex, or simulated rape or the like on here, I typically imagine myself doing those things to someone else, not having them done to me. I feel aroused seeing the woman in bondage and struggling. And I am aroused by the thought of being able to hold someone down against their resistance while going inside of them (assuming they consented to this, of course). So I may be a "switch" or even a "dominant". But if I am the latter, I would be a "softer" form of it. I feel some hesitation when I see women being slapped and called names while they are doing this stuff.
The example I often I use is "face fucking". Many guys will do that and call the girl names, or punch her in the face, etc. I would not do that. If I were to do "face fucking", I would do it gently for a few seconds -- not so long that she clearly is having trouble breathing -- and then pull out, and ask if she is ok, and kiss her on the cheek before continuing. I saw a video where a woman was being face fucked, and another man was ejaculating on her face at the same time, and the woman was saying that the semen all over her face was stinging her eyes, and she was waving them away and asking for a towel, and they were calling her a bitch and a whore, etc. And she was saying it wasn't funny and that she was serious and they were still treating her like garbage. I wanted to hug her and kiss her on the cheek and give her a towel. So there's a lot of extreme domination and some actual misogyny on here, and the latter I definitely would not support.
I was talking to a guy on IMDB (internet movie database) in private, after having said on the public IMDB forum that 50 Shades of Grey, the movie, was erotic for me, but that I'm still a virgin lol. He said he knew of some parties in the Bay Area where he could get me invited if I wanted to. I told him I wasn't in that place emotionally yet. I guess I don't know how to do the things I'm interested in and have that emotional depth if I didn't develop a relationship first...and yet, how are you going to know the people are into it before you develop that, unless you sought out people who are into the perverted things that people are into on this web site? :)
I was talking to a guy in the chat (on this web site) who has been involved in swinging and polyamory. I asked him how do you get into a meaningful relationship involving that type of stuff, and how can it be meaningful if you don't have romantic feelings for them at first? He was saying it might start out casual but you can build meaning over time. So I might be getting closer to where I would want to go a bdsm party type thing. The other factor is that I have some degree of social anxiety and therefore parties are hard for me.
But, I am definitely coming around to the idea of having sex with a friend but not necessarily being in love with them. I have always wanted sex to develop from friendship, but originally I only wanted it to develop if I had developed romantic feelings. I am starting to see that maybe I could have casual sex with a friend, and maybe the relationship would remain platonic but sometimes be expressed through sex. Like a "friend with benefits" (as opposed to a "fuck buddy"). Several years ago, I would have been opposed to FWB because I would say if you are just friends you shouldn't be sleeping together, but as always my thoughts and feelings are evolving. A few people have approached me about that on facebook. I told all of them I'm interested in it; they all live far from me, though. But I feel like we could potentially become very close friends if we did that, even if it never evolves beyond friendship. Actually in the case of two of these friends, it would never evolve beyond friendship because they are lesbians. But anyway I think it is a good idea.
Replies
neutrinodreams2
Group Member
•
Jun 6th 2016
I don't think you go to those parties to build a relationship. I think I'd have a hard time at those parties for the same reason. I'm not against the idea of group sex, but I at least want to be friends with the people involved.
Well, I think what this guy was talking about was a party where you are just meeting people and talking, but you are specifically meeting people who are into BDSM, for the purpose of later getting involved in BDSM with them. :) But the 50 shades movie came out two years after my last major heartbreak, and I still wasn't in what I considered the right emotional place to go do something like that.
But yeah I agree that I would want to get to know and form some kind of bond with people before having sex with them. :)
I have always wanted sex to develop from friendship,
I think that is a mistake. If you concentrate first on a platonic friendship, then the girl plops you down into the "friend zone", and you will never get out of that zone. You should make it clear from the beginning that you have some romantic interest.
Oh no, I agree, if you realize upon meeting them that you have feelings. But I'm talking about people whom, when I first met them, I didn't have feelings for them, or didn't realize I had feelings. Then later on, I developed feelings, after I had known them. Of course, note that "feelings" is separate from "being sexually attracted". I'm sexually attracted to probably 85% of the women I see (hell, I saw like ten women I wanted to fuck earlier today, just walking from the apartment about half a mile, to get a bite to eat), but in the 23 years since I first had romantic feelings for a female, I have only met five for whom I had romantic feelings, and none felt the same.
To me -- and it seems most don't feel this way, which is difficult for me to understand -- but to me it seems strange to spend time alone with someone for the purpose of romance when you don't feel that way about them yet. To me, what you would do is find someone in a platonic context, such as on a group hiking trip, and if you talk to them regularly when you go on these trips, eventually you just naturally find yourself going off alone with her, and you grow closer until romantic feelings eventually develop with one of the people to whom you were talking. As opposed to asking to spend time alone together with someone when you first meet them, before you develop those feelings.
My situation is hard. Obviously at my age, 38, I'm not in school anymore, so I don't find myself in situations where I meet a lot of women. I would have to deliberately put myself in such situations. Like using [websites used to help people meet in real life to pursue platonic activities] would potentially work. Yet, even when I was in school, so I was exposed to more people, that didn't solve the problem either. I would occasionally find someone I like, but they didn't feel the same. It takes two to tango. :)
Right now, there is the added issue of logistic and financial problems; I'm making $11.25/hr as a private security contractor (which might seem like more than it is; the minimum wage here in San Jose is $10.15), and the client where I used to get sent most often has hired another internal employee, so they won't need us as often, so my hours will probably go even lower. They were already down to 20 hours a week at the most (in what was advertised as a full time job). Also I'm sharing a one bedroom apartment and I don't have a car or know how to drive. So all that makes it harder to be in any kind of relationship where you're going on dates together, buying things, etc. It basically means I'm out of the market until I get those issues fixed. Those are all things that can and will be fixed, but then we're left with the other issues (mentioned above).
