Oh dear lord I can't stand it anymore and I have to get it off my chest. I am completely infatuated with and love my gorgeous first cousin who is a pageant Queen Beauty and an absolute popsicle creamy dreamsauce candy-lipped hardbodied yoga nut and multi-medium dancer with lashes as long as my fingers and a cute, innocent giggle that is so uncannily real that I just want to gracefully and firmly grab her and smoothly insert my tongue and lips in absolutely any/all of her orifices. She's truly exquisite inside and out. I'm a 41 year old male and she is 27. It wasn't always this way I didn't sit around trying to be some pervert or whatever waiting for her to turn 18. I guess just one day took a double take when she came out the door walking to the pool, and then added that with the fact that she's absolutely fantastic in almost every way and quite impressive in character in recent years because of some tough lessons she's learned and come out just like a book writing, self-discovered, motivational Superstar who's obnoxiously overtly positive and even more obnoxiously correct...but so deflatingly cute and admirable that I just want her that much more. Typical cute bubbly, valley-chic, perfectly pitch vanilla cream voice, its like inspiration with seemingly Supernatural strength and focus that is like a Monumental turn on but daunting and intimidating even at the same time because though I'm pretty confident-in-carry, she's like some New York best selling autobiograper, comic book girl, super tough, intimidating and uber-confident, independent, 21st century, strong willed, 125lbs success testimony, no bs and been there, impressive, magazine cover of succulent surreal American gorgosity with attitude to cock one brow with a squinting eye and stogie out of her luscious lips. {{{☆☆☆sidecar story: The only thing that doesn't really make her perfect I'd like to add about 10 or 15 measly IQ points but that's not because she's stupid by any means it's because I'm sort of the snob like that. Frankly I'm tired of explaining the joke twice most of the time to anybody...and get on my little cynical box for a minute. I'm tired of being the smartest one in the room and having to almost dumb it down or act falsely timid to not intimidate people. Almost like if I don't give a preliminary ego stroke of comfort to them they won't even open up to me and mostly feel completely insecure then flee physically or intellectually. PLEASE understand that is so NOT a narcissistic or egotistical, jockstrap, douche sauce, iMe&My McSelferson, kooky, fuckstick statement. Really being serious... and since I'm really pouring my deep heart and feelings out on YOUR EARS as my sounding board don't want to be discredited, misjudged, or disrespected. Took me a long time to figure out why certain situations are so socially awkward. I figured out that if I didn't have the hottest girls looking at me, I could certainly mentally and verbally best damn near anyone in any room at any time, or intellectually if they started orally "pissing on a mailbox turf mark" in drunkenness and bravado. And on top of that if they wanted to get real drunk, chest-beating, silverback Saucy and push to blows, I can throw them thangs because I'm really quick and an athletic boxer as well... but truly avoided at all cost. If you could see from my view when people get intimidated and run from me it's actually a form of rejection from many many people after many many years for something that is unfair to me. It sucks and really hurts after a while. true Prejudice by definition but I'm good people and got love to give I'm not trying to make a fool out of people. Candid no candy...I know I "took a hard ADHD left here but it does speak to my level of frustration given the actual subject and how its all built and I feel so trapped, impassioned, lustfully frustrated (like if a supernova could have blue balls on even superstar meth levels)..... One way or another being a good-looking genius alpha male who is physically fit intimidates many people and unfortunately gets people judging you instead of knowing you. I digress ☆☆☆ if there's a good part at least I build confidence in a certain respect with people but that just says how fucking scared I am to address this. Its not the same as being rejected by some hot chick at a bar. I'll have to look in her eyes and never be able to take it back but if she goes with it how absolutely breathtaking and paralyzingly romantic and beautiful her stunnung green eyes would twinkle and perhaps be momentarily set of back like a deer in headlights but in lust and a little wet. That look would burn itself on in my retinas forever and just that little look would make me hard. So you all realize...I'm certainly not some two dimensional profiling short-sighted judgemental stereotype-infected brainwashed sheeple person who says that all hot women are not that bright but to be truly honest I'm not sure I've never listened to a woman who is as hot or hotter than she speak with any degree of articulation or eloquence that supersedes hers. She is well on par with the hot scale. She just unfortunately came from a very intelligent family of verbal science and art Rubik's Cube and Scrabble dorks... and her blessed ass is the baby dingbat so to speak. Rarely but eventually we are just not on the same page. In moments like that when we come to an impasse I'd be glad to lick her clit to compensate. And real talk I don't some have some sicko, prevailing view of her that gets in the way of me viewing her from that very original and raw, older cousin, family, protective, baby cousin image either. At first the dichotomous feelings were confusing and uncomfortable but after a while I actually feel quite comfortable feeling that very deep protective love for her and don't get all awkward about inserting my tongue in her sweaty asshole. Not only my desire but my love for her has grown and grown even more so than usual over the past 10 years. It's like I just saw this fine being, blossom of beauty contunually impress and grow into and exquisite woman and the very reason men work so hard for women's approval and affections. . She is the epitome of why men "jockeying for position" exists or chest-beating, or make huge regretful decisions based on her overpowering beauty not his reason. Are there people that are truly too beautiful or hot to marry because you know that such a high percentage of the entire planet male or female just sexually wants to ravage and ravenously defile her and will advance accordingly...even no makeup, sweats, and cap... and that's just an ongoing incessant ever concerning Potential Threat that would take a very special and deep trust to never be insecure about. Because eventually another super stud or celebrity will hit on her because of how hot she is and would there ever be a moment or a stent of weakness? Overly hot may be stressful and she is overly hot. Worth it though... and I would intentionally not waste too much time being unnecessarily insecure. I would make sure I knew the truth in her heart and therefore knew where I stood. But way too hot chicks can be way too big a pain in the ass believe me. Some are so hot that they had no energy left over for the person capabilities like stepping without tripping or breathing or washing their hands without injuring themselves or whatever. Is my run-on rant a testament to how real it is or a testament to how truly fucked-up I am ( emotionally for the crazy fantasy or physically because of the meth and the power present sex drive? ) these drugs won't be around forever and they weren't necessary to make the feelings they just enhance it.) And really when I'm sober, there's still such a strong sex drive I don't have as crazy or fanatical fantasies and it's a little easier to think about something else. They are still there they're just not as strong they are when I'm completely clean and Serene and its 2pm around the fam. I still want to lunch my tongue in her ass I guess I just don't have to excuse myself immediately to the guest powder room to relieve myself thinking about it. maybe that's the only difference. I'm not really a paranoid person but my feelings are so strong I wonder if I'm incredibly obvious to anybody else in the family. I'm not Indiscreet or socially awkward or that overt, moron, redneck pervert either who thinks he's cool but he's a real douche and is too dumb to realize it... or is an outcast asshole and doesn't really care about anybody else anyway so he just slaps ass and runs through the house making one liner hillbilly jokes. I also can't help but wonder if any of my other cousins or brothers have these thoughts or have had them more than once before they suppress them. I understand pushing thoughts away and not entertaining them but they are very not gay and she is very easy to look at so I imagine there's not some special cousin switch that makes their eyes view her as disgusting . It makes me want to lick her even more. Is their behavior (coz & bros) just going along with the social Narrative of it "being wrong" and inbred idiot Behavior or do they Harbor many of the same but have different ways they cope with it? If any of my cousins or brothers have masturbated thinking about Kindle even 10% as much as I they have a clear attraction to her. I'm telling you it's like I need to be in a fucking Institute or it's meant to be. There's no ambiguous way to even address it with anybody in the family. It is what it is you want to fuck Kyndal and they are words that cannot be taken back but I so badly want to bounce it off specific relatives but I'm so afraid that I'll get that genuine Outkast shun the weirdo okay we've got that incest banjo-playing pervert cousin needs to be watched at every family get together. I do have one other female cousin who is a sexual freak and does like to get high and would at the very least be the least uncomfortable person to talk to about this with me because we already know the other is a little weird and we are cool with that. She's very pretty but she's not nearly as drop-dead gorgeous as Kyndal, but maybe since that girl cousin eats chic pussy and ass, and with it already a taboo conversation maybe I should suggest a drug-induced cousin incest lesbian, coconut oil, ass-licking sultry unsurpassably nasty hot threesome. Holy shit just the naughtiness makes me want to put stalactites on the fucking ceiling. For any of you who may be thinking "I would regret it and I only feel that way because I'm spun (or whatever) let me assure you these are thoughts that I've entertained quite sober and frequently with progressively increasing intensity desire and durarion for over 10 years. Glad I attained that level of security of knowing the validity and strength of my emotions and desires but why am I so damn opposite insecure mortified about mentioning it because the words can never be taken back? It's the worst case scenario fear of being shunned and shamed and embarrassed and disrespected and distrusted ostracized and never looked at the same again from my family. Even if I did a face-plant and everybody genuinely got over it in a few years I would secretly be insecure thinking they were judging me or harboring less than respectable thoughts about me. Truth is I would upload several thumbnail pics of her on here immediately if I weren't so fucking scared to be embarrassed and found out by some dick wanking Stoner who lives in the same city and showed it to her. It might be cool to show it to her but like if my mom read it oh my God I would crawl under a rock forever or maybe I just think I would. I've been told I over-analyze and that I get into analysis paralysis. I really need some objective opinions about whether that is going on now. That's why it's so sensitive does she just really want me and is yearning for me to make the move or do I have legitimate anxiety? I'm secure enough in my looks and abilities that I would approach this hardcore nasty sex talk with plenty of very good looking women in the regular world. But with family you can't just walk away but my gosh there's so much more to gain in deliciousness
and nuclear sexual fusion that scared as shit or not I'll just have to psych myself into saying something to her or the other cousin because it will not just go away and I cannot press delete on this file. I'm sure there are dozens of clever approaches and tactics that guys and girls alike have contemplated and used with crashes and burns and successes as well in the past on being able to approach this scary topic with their beloved cousin. Like making a joke and then if they take it seriously go oh my gosh I'm just kidding we're cousins. That's too cheesy and undignified for me. I did text her a message saying woman you drive me crazy. She can take that several different ways number one she doesn't answer texts and that does get under my skin. I want her to catch my innuendos and know for sure that when I look in her eyes I want to be 4 inches from them and taste her lips. I don't know how devastating a situation I could conceive of more than moving in on such a perfectly beautiful and tight bond and invade the space of my younger, more innocent, naive and trusting, gorgeous cousin because I've got some nasty sexual thoughts. Does she look up to me and in my room so much that she just has complete blind trust for me and if I did that would it forever go away and be skewed?
Would she lose respect for me? With her I always twitch a little with uncertainty forevermore with a deep eye contact after that? As cheesy as that sounds that is a resonating thought for me. Sure it's analytical but it's also romantic. I don't consider them "bad" thoughts other than how sexually devious they are...but I do consider them extreme and certainly Taboo in America. The root of incest I believe in Latin means confusion. Look at scientific genetics and Bloodlines because first cousins even though they are close are not considered closely related blood relatives. But see it doesn't really matter it's not about the blood it's about the narrative and the preconception and the fear and her little dingbat hot chick EWW! potential reaction and my imminent and ongoing permanent embarrassment and shame from it. good Heavens there has to have been thousands of men who have toiled and contemplated such thoughts solid and much easier and less stressful and anxiety-ridden approach to this. I am all about being coachable. A wise person seeks the counsel of many and though I can do my own thinking much of the time I really NEED a mature intelligent opinion of a horny woman who has encountered this and/or understands sexuality and psychology. If you successfully convinced me to forget it well then consider hooking up with me because you already possess a big part of the pie graph of criteria that turns me on. You can bring the lube or I can get some myself haha. Women I know you would not profess to speak for another woman but please give me a little bit of clarity based on the extremely lengthy run on diarrhea of the mouth story I've vomited on you. Surely there are enough factoids that you can use to glean a little insight and therefore wisdom for what I should do. There's an entire hard drive of insanely passionate incest lustful fantasies and organs devoted to this invaluable creature. I'm so damn gooey and stupid and dumb I'd over her with my Jack doubt left field crazy psycho Hospital sexual sickness Overheard that I could be completely consumed and she may very well want to just sit next to me and say pull my finger while we watch a football game. Pervertedly that would turn me on in a very unassuming and primal Ronis. Want to know how much I want her people? I would literally inhaled a fart out of her ass even after she took a shit without wiping period I'm not into the whole scat thing I don't really get it. but I can look past all the human growth shit and easily say that I will slurp up any of her bodily fluids. I'm either going to have to die or she's going to have to get flabby and lose all her teeth or she'll forever disarm me. I thought maybe I was just horny and a little drunk for a few years or whatever but the feelings grew and I couldn't get her out of my head. for a while I actually had to relieve myself thinking about her while I was at work for 10 to 12 months. I tried to push it down thinking it was wrong and whatnot but then with a little investigating I came to find out that most societies not only don't frown on it but encourage it. Even in the Bible I read first cousins are not forbidden, read it in the levitical law. In fact to be quite honest they're only 12% blood which in actuality is not that much and only poses problems scientifically over Generations. I have an IQ high enough to be in Mensa to be candid so don't discredit me or write me off some banjo playing Mountain moron. Truth is God did bless me he made me very good looking as well with a nice body. I guess since I'm going all-out I may as well say if I had a decent fucking job still I'd be top of the fucking food chain. I don't say that in some insecure defensive manner I say that as a basis for the validity. I'm also educated in Psychology and I know that it's not some confusion and that I really need to go and find somebody else and if it's some confused relationship rebound from my imminent divorce with my wife...relational transference with my mother oe whatever. I am of sound mind and I've never had a problem being a man whore or getting women. You know that thing, that attraction you have for people who are just a little bit like you? Well I guess familiarly and genetically and personality-wise we are just enough alike where she drives me absolutely CRAZY! I could absolutely marry her and move to a fucking Island for the rest of my life. I've read about cousins hooking up and I read over and over about people just saying just tell her dude go for it. The problem with her is that honestly she is intimidated by my intelligence and sort of had a preliminary clamup and would probably kneejerk reaction balk at it and get insecure and clam up and then run I don't know even if she feels that way. then I would run and climb up with embarrassment. No I'm good looking but if she even libidinally driven enough to even let herself entertain potentially taboo naughty and nasty and delicious I could be? I'm in my early forties but I've taken care of myself and I look very young like mid to early thirties from what I've Been Told. I say that because I know she likes men in their mid-to-late 30s so I know it's not an unattraction based on my type or whatever. She's been known to do this hot-chick-Bubblehead-Eww-insecure, gross mushy thing or "a bug"girl thing before. Melodrama as a defense. Has she grown up too much for that though? would she show more dignity even if she was uninterested by keeping it cool and not putting it on blast? And whether or not I got shot down or what she felt about a deep down I think if she reacted like that she would stick with the safety default position out of the proud principle. Questioned and thought about it so much I've read extensively on people's opinions about it and it's pretty comforting to realize that is a very very common design and in America especially it is considered forbidden and push down and associated with shame and therefore very secretive. I just don't know if she is courageous enough or quite frankly, if she's attracted enough to me to be willing to take the risk to let go even just fuck if nothing else. The problem is compounded because when I go smoke some meth my libido goes through the roof. Alpha male with a high sex drive anyway and get such a dopamine overload and want to do something so nasty and delicious with her I just fucking bounce through the roof. I want to do the most perverted things with her completely slathered in oil and sweat I want to Lunge into her asshole I want to watch another girl sit on her face I want her to piss in my mouth, spit on me, and I don't even care if she shits on me or somebody shits on her. I can do the most crazy and vile, crazy, disgusting, deepest, darkest, most perverted human shit imaginable deeply residing in those primal, sexually debased brains of ours...as animalistic and "unsexually repulsive" as can be conceived. I've always been very intense and never shy about my feelings. I've always been secure enough with who I am to assert my beliefs or thoughts or feelings and be okay with the results. And now having not had the balls to do anything more, these subtle innuendos over the years have it built up to a point that I need to be in a fucking circular padded room on Thorazine wearing a helmet? I'm so careful about how I word my texts to her that honestly they are over her head because the vocabulary is to literary. It's absolutely not on purpose but she's even admitted to sometimes not even being able to keep up or have to pull out the dictionary too much to even understand. and I'm not one of those clueless brainiacs who doesn't even realize that they are speaking over everyone and that multiple syllables and speaking in math is not sexy won't get you laid or turn anyone on. It's not like that maybe I just get nervous and Run 2 the word that is least scary. my God I just want to use one and two syllable words and just straight-up tell her that I fucking love you and I want to do the craziest stuff sexually imaginable even if we can never be together because I don't think it's a phase or it will just go away. It may subside because overtime I'll acquire the capability to suppress them better but that'll just end up manifesting and other stress. Got to let her know or find out or Let It Go or make a video perverted shit and send it to her and see what she says or something. I just don't want her to lose respect for me and for us to never ever be close again. On my mom's side is where we are related. Our mothers are sisters. Far as nasty incest goes her fucking mom is beautiful and I used to want to bang the shit out of her hell I still would even though she's 65. But my point is as she (coz)put it we come from the same branch on the family tree and there's a specialness with our bond that she doesn't have with any of the other cousins of which there are really only 8 of us which is not really a lot. Even given the worst case scenario where I told her and she freaked the hell out and got all pissy and dramatic and closed off and wouldn't talk to me for 3 years I know eventually she would tell me it's okay I'm over it it was a mistake I forgive you and now let's move on. But I know deep down it would never be the same and she would not have that raw unsolicited and untainted Trust that can't be "talked" into existence. On the other hand if she did take a chance and completely let go of her anxieties and inhibitions and fears and let me blow her mind and have the most amazing and arousing experiences either have ever had or ever will have... the bond we have it is already special will become more so and unbreakable and deeper and and permanent. I can tell she is is a little guarded around me anyway because of the intelligence difference and a decade or so of age. She has told me that I am so very special to her and that I have such a special place in her heart and that she loves me to the moon and back and that she's always admired and looked up to me. Is that all lip service because she hasn't been really responding to me very much and I'm wondering if I have just let on enough that makes her uncomfortable she's completely ignoring me because she doesn't know what to do. 5 years ago I did get slightly handsy and touchy-feely when we were drunk lying on the couch but I didn't push it hard and I wonder if she wrote it off stupid drunk shit or if deep down she really knows but doesn't want to admit it to herself and would rather write me off as the Misunderstood artistic eccentric weirdo cousin and I don't know what's going on with him? It sounds may be melodramatic but she also knows personally how much I have been hurting because of my drugs like cheating soon-to-be ex-wife and that she is one of very special few people who can and should be there for me and she really just has not been. It's made me feel hurt and too damn paranoid and think too much about it and insecure because in my season of serious change there's also been me allowing myself to think about her more because I'm not married and to be honest about my feelings but she has been unavailable most of the time. She has a new boyfriend but I don't even know if that matters. Heck sometimes I just want to ask her about her sexual fantasies just to talk like horny cousins about sex. Is that normal? Do open and honest family members talk about sexual stuff with each other much? Is she really in love with me and afraid to let it go? Or is making out with her decade older cousin truly disgusting in her mind and repulsive and makes her think less of me.... maybe even pity me and write me off as psychologically sick in the head? My goodness I wish I were just a small SD chip in her hard drive and could see her true thoughts. I don't want to waste half a lifetime wanting and longing for her just to eventually have it amount to nothing or ever lose respect. as terrified as I am of the rejection and embarrassment and shame I would almost rather do a face plant and live with it then have to live with this pressure built up and unspoken. Wold she always look at me like that gross sick pervert mentally fucked up whack job cousin? Or would she secretly lick her lips every time she looked at me because I introduced her to the most Sultry and sensual, strong, safe, salty, slobbery, sweatfest, nasty talk and fetish perv sex drowning in exctasy, fluids, and topped off wirh a meth and oxy cherry? I've managed to find some pretty hot and sexy nasty filthy naughty taboo fetish videos but there's something that I just can't seem to find as far as the passion, intensity, and euphoria I fantasize about with us. D attraction and immensity fashion is very buildup in very tense but also the seemingly unattainable drives it harder and harder unonsciously. I'm well aware of that Prime man saying that after you've had something it doesn't seem as appealing and it loses its luster very quickly. I just can't even Envision me losing desire for her except for very brief moments when she's on my nerves or something. Especially if she's off the hook sexual like I want to be with her....just the smell of her breath and classy scents would disarm me. She's like a fucking Syren, and I'm some blow hard pathetic sailor who's been out to sea too long who's drooling all over himself, pinching his nipple, slathered with coconut oil and has a butt plug in his ass and other hand on his hopeless 7" inches of unsatiated ravenous modesty and arousing libidinal Fantastical pleasure that she will never otherwise know and that would be our very very special and memorable sacred swimming images in my imagination Wildlife float straight into the perilous. Is that what I'm doing? Okay I guess I'm done and if you've come this far and gotten over my neurotic repetition and bouncing back and forth and insane run on story Marathon mouth then thank you very much for at least respecting what you've read enough to give it too much time. I do realize that it is not linear or maybe as impactful or informative as it should be. Other than just spewing my words of fantasy out I really need to have some feedback of consequence. And if anybody likes the literary worthiness just drop me a line and let me know and maybe I'll just get high rant talk nasty about how fucking horny and delectably sloppy I want to slurp on my little relative of immense fairness n floral scent. If anybody likes it maybe I can write some perverted Literotica I've at least got words. Tell me what you did and didn't like what you do or don't understand what your opinions are what you know what you don't. If there are any douches who want to say something clever to look cool just know that you're not cool ahead of time and that I will verbally lacerate your ego publicly because I'm just not going to deal with fucking PUD wack douchebags who aren't cool enough to be cool. this seemed the most appropriate of my groups to post this in. I hope it's well received and everybody put more coconut in your body juice, milk, water and oil...cook, suck, jerk, and lube asshole with coconut oil. Yum! Hot Talk go ahead and try slurping the good old clean asshole full of coconut oil. By the way I'm extremely new to this posting and using this site as a networking or form tool so bear with me if I'm uninformed. If you have any advice please let me know if you want to text or message me privately please do so Gasm fantasm.